Tag: Depression
Life, it is what it is
After a bad fall about a month ago, I’ve been in and out of hospital emergency rooms and spent a little bit under a week in hospital. Lotta good it did, as I’m worse now than I was before I went in. I need in-home care I need help but the doctors keep blowing me off. And my doctor’s nurses, forget about it incompetence galore!
They keep telling me they’ll call me back once they get information about in-home care. Has not happened at all. They don’t even call my prescriptions when they expire anymore. I have to call and remind them. Yeah that helps with my stress level! I’ve been with the same doctor for 17 years!
I can’t even get into what happened in my last hospital visit a couple of weeks ago as it just brings back too many awful memories. Not as bad as back in 2009-2010 but almost.
At this point I’m completely bed ridden, my legs do not work at all I can only move them if somebody moves them for me hard to transfer to my chair I won’t even get into going to the bathroom. LOL that’s way too much information… TMI!!
Bottom line I need home health care, and my doctors are ignoring me and not helping me. So me, being the bitch that I am, I have an appointment with a new neurologist on January 28 and an appointment on the 18th of this month with the new internist. I’m done, and I’m taking charge and taking back my power!
For those who know me, know I’m pissed and when I get pissed I get shit done. They know not who they are dealing with! LOL I’m done believing that this is it for me and I’ll never move again that I’m going to be stuck in a bed the rest of my life.
I Even got my new wheelchair and it’s the bomb, but I can’t even transfer to it. So what’s the fucking point right now!
Fear-Pain-Anger-Depression
I really do wonder sometimes… What’s the fucking point!
[sorry for spelling and or grammar mistakes talk text doesn’t always work exactly as it should]
Life…
This is NOT my life… where is my real life? If you find it, please reply here with the location.
I realized that I have not been out of my home for over 3 weeks. I just have no desire, no oomph to do anything. I know it’s not about the Ampyra as I’ve only been on that 2.5 weeks. It’s been so hot here and heat is no longer my friend. When I say out of my home, I mean that literally. I look outside, but have not even gone outside. I have no desire, or care much right now to do anything.
All my kids are back in school, hubby working, so I’m alone all day. I do not drive, can’t work, and sometimes I really feel like what’s the point. I have no energy, my fatigue is off the charts. [even with the anti-fatigue meds]
And please, please do NOT say, “It could be worse.” or “You’re only given what you can handle!” BULLSHIT! This is my ‘worse’. I need help to get dressed, to shower, sometimes to eat when I can barely hold the utensils. I wear my pj’s most days all day as by the time I get up everyone is gone, and it takes too much energy to get pants on by myself. Luckily, I love my pj’s and have many sets. I guess unless you ‘roll a mile in my chair’ you’ll never understand. The helplessness, the loneliness, the depression that sets in. Maybe it’s a ‘healthy’ thing. Usually it’s the healthy ones that makes the above statements. Their biggest issue is what to wear, having a busy day, what to cook for dinner, ‘oh damn’ have to drive the kids around, etc. etc. etc!! PLEASE!! I know this to be true as I was once there and took soooo much for granted. Like ….. walking for instance.
I’m tired of always feeling like I have to be shiny happy all the time. My life SUCKS!!! I know, I know, I have a gr8 husband and kids and family and friends…I get that. But, I have no purpose. Without a purpose what’s left. Feeling useless is the most depressing feeling of all. I have not felt like nor have had the energy to make anything for my shop in weeks. My hands cannot hold the tools very well right now. SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!! Who really cares anyways.
Blessings and Hope! [still waiting]
The Padded Room – Living with Scoliosis
Our show this Thursday is a must ‘hear’! We will be talking with Ruby Cantu, co-host of The Padded Room.
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/rlrn/2010/04/15/the-padded-room–unloc…
Ruby has suffered with severe Scoliosis for most of her life.
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Scoliosis:
Definition
By Mayo Clinic staff
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Scoliosis:
Definition
By Mayo Clinic staff
Scoliosis is a sideways curvature of the spine that occurs most
often during the growth spurt just before puberty. While scoliosis can be
caused by conditions such as cerebral palsy and muscular dystrophy, the
cause of most scoliosis is unknown.
often during the growth spurt just before puberty. While scoliosis can be
caused by conditions such as cerebral palsy and muscular dystrophy, the
cause of most scoliosis is unknown.
Most cases of scoliosis are mild, but severe scoliosis can be disabling.
An especially severe spinal curve can reduce the amount of space within
the chest, making it difficult for the lungs to function properly.
Children who have mild scoliosis are monitored closely, usually with
X-rays, to see if the curve is getting worse. In many cases, no
treatment is necessary. Some children will need to wear a brace to stop
the curve from worsening. Others may need surgery to straighten severe
cases of scoliosis.
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As shown in the next photos, our Ruby, needed surgeries.
Keith Zieber, our fabulous producer will be helping me, Tracy, interview Ruby!
Ruby is in the ‘hot seat’ and we hope to see you there!!
Blessings and Hope!
The Padded Room – Unlocked and Unplugged!
WE DID IT!! Through our nerves and medications and everything!
For an amazing blog on our debut show please click on the link below:
For more info on our amazing guest. Click on the link below:
Lucinda Wormsbaker – The Light Fandango Candle Company
Right now, when you purchase the Orange, Multiple Sclerosis Compassionate Candles, 2.00 from every purchase goes to my MS Walk 2010. So, please drop by Lu’s site and check it out!
A huge TY goes out to the whole team at RLRN and to Laurie Zieber, the founder and all around fabulous lady!
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Our next show, April 8th will be focusing on Lupus. Our guest will be the Fabulous Tina Sickinger! She is an amazing woman who struggles with Lupus every day of her life and survives. She is full of hope and fights this monster Lupus with the help of friends and her amazing family! We hope you will join us for our show on the Real Life Radio Network in The Padded Room- Unlocked and Unplugged, on April 8th.
In any struggle, there is always HOPE! Join us!
Blessings and Hope!
What’s the point?
I was talking to my MS counselor yesterday. I was telling her how I feel nothing. Some days I get up and think, ‘What’s the point?’ I wonder why I even bother getting out of bed. Sometimes I don’t. I really hate this feeling. It’s not about poor me, or feel bad for me, it’s just my state of mind. I’m sure with or without a chronic illness some feel this way. Is it depression? Maybe. Is it the time of the year? Maybe. Is it personal issues? Maybe. Is it all of those rolled up into one? Probably. So how do we get through it?
It is very hard, for me, to ask for help. Help of any kind. I’m the type that wants to fix everything. Help [or try to] everyone. It keeps my mind off of me and my issues. It is much easier listening to other people’s issues than talking about my own. Even when I do find someone who wants to listen. Even then I try to make fun of my MS, my falls, my issues with it. When in all actuality, it’s not funny. But laughing at it is what gets me through the hard times. After my last fall, I have been thinking a lot about safety. I am alone much of the time. And the fear of falling is what keeps me secure in my room all day. I’m too paranoid to venture to far from the safety of my bed. I do keep the phone with me even when I do the walker trip to the potty. I always laugh and think what good the phone will do me if I am unconscious. 😛
So, I am a hermit in my own home, my bedroom. You can tell where I sit all day on my bed by the ‘dip’ in the mattress. 🙂 It is just ‘safer’ for me right now. So, that is why i wonder, ‘What’s the point?’ Why bother waking up at all to just sit in the same spot all day. I know I could get up, and do something, anything. But, lately it is just easier to sit in my ‘dip’ and medicate!
So, will someone please tell me, what’s the point? P lease none of the, ‘well you’re alive’ or ‘it could be worse’. You see, it IS going to get worse. Just not sure how quickly it will come…
Blessings and hope!
Making it Through the Rain 