Posts Tagged ‘pissed off’

 

This cat, Zoe. I rescued her from the pound eight years ago. I knew I wanted to get an older cat and not a kitten. Zoe was two years and old she had been returned twice. ( now I know why ) They handed her to me in my wheelchair and she immediately crawled up under my neck and started purring, she was the one. The second I got her home, and lifted her out of the box, she gave me one look, and ran off towards my daughters room. I pretty much have not seen her since. LOL

 So today she comes in my room and won’t even look at me. I’m calling her name she literally won’t even look at me. She has no idea that all she has to do is be friends with me and she’ll have EVERYTHING! 😊 I’m rattling some crinkle paper to play with her, she won’t even look at me. My husband calls to her she looks right over him, my other daughter comes in she goes right to her. What the fuck is wrong with this cat. LOL all the animals love me for god sake‘s! LOL ( A lot of LOL‘s ) because it’s funny  and I’m funny! 😂

 So, back to the story. After she ignored me for five minutes I looked at my hubby and started sobbing. He looked at me and said that it’s OK, she loves me she  is just hungry and wants one of them to feed her. That’s why she’s ignoring me. But it wasn’t even about the cat. #ItIsNotAboutTheCat We know that. I literally can’t stop crying right now.  It’s not like I even feel sad it’s just, I don’t fucking know what. I’ve been trying to be so positive and up beat and it’s actually killing me. Because I’m not happy!

But everybody wants you to find the good and to always be happy. And, as usual, I’m doing everything  everybody else wants me to do.

 Why can’t we be sad sometimes. Why is it so hard to just let others vent. Sometimes when we lash out or vent what’s hurting us we don’t expect you to come up with an answer. We just want to feel like somebody cares, give us a hug, a kind word. Personally people that are always shiny happy upbeat make me really fucking nervous. You know they’ve  got secrets and stories they’re hiding.  And if you say they don’t, you’re really naïve. But OK, I’ll go back to make everybody else happy. Isn’t that what everybody wants?

Peace ✌️

I know, great title for my blog. Haven’t blogged in a bit and here it is, in your face…fuuuuuuuuuck!!

You may ask yourself, ‘Why?’ I’ll tell you why. It’s now after 11pm and I wanted to go to sleep. You know, lie down, get comfy, sleep. NOT! After 4 minutes of trying to lie down I gave up. I cannot seem to get my legs up on the bed. I get one up the other slides off. I pull on my jammie pants leg and my hand cannot hold on or lift my leg. Now I could scream for someone to help me, but they are all asleep and have to get up early for work and school. Hubby is on the pullout sofa as he snores so bad he wakes me up all night. So, I’m sitting here with tears rolling gently down my face as sleep is not coming yet. Even if I get my legs into the bed it take me forever to get into a position comfortable for sleep. Once I lie down I have to pull each leg up in a bent position or my lower back hurts. As it is, if I do not sit in the right spot before I try all of this, I may end up too high or too low on the bed. I am not able to ‘scooch’ into a comfy position. I get one shot. I guess I’m lucky, as once I do finally get comfortable I’m ready for sleep, as doing this easy task takes all of my spoons. Just getting into bed is a fucking chore and it pisses me off. It’s not fucking fair!!!!!! And don’t tell me it could be worse!! It’s going to get worse so shut your mouth. And don’t tell me it could be worse, it could be cancer… this IS my Cancer!!! It has and will continue to take my life from me. Just in a slower mode.

February 8th, marks the 2007 death of my MS partner in crime, Tina Richardson. Her progressive MS killed her. She got caught between a heavy power chair and bathtub and slowly suffocated to death, alone and I’m sure frightened. She could not move and could not scream. So, do not tell me no one dies from MS. They do every fucking day. If she had not had MS she would not have been in that position. I know others that have passed away due to pneumonia from being immobile and the MS basically killed their lungs. Tina was only 40 years old and my friend and I miss her every day. So fuck you and your,’it could be worse!’

As of this moment, it’s only going to get worse for me and I’m petrified. I am in a wheelchair 24/7. I am tired, fatigued 24/7. I run on fumes every day and try to be funny and crack jokes. I hide behind a smile and most days I wish it would all just end. I have pain 24/7, incontinent at 46 years young. Migraines, weight gain, unable to do the simplest tasks. The next time you feel the need to bitch about running errands, doing the dishes… be glad you can run errands and have the strength to do the dishes. I would trade you in a hot second to be able to do all those annoying tiresome chores. The next time you take a shower, thank your God you can. Even taking a shower is a chore for me and after I usually need to sleep as there goes some more spoons.

I try to keep the pain to myself, me feelings, my MS. This is my blog, and you can read or not. Tonight, all the lil things going on in my life, and then the tip of the iceberg,  not being able to just get into bed, hit me all at once and hard. Seven months, still no bathroom finished, haven’t even seen them in over 2 months. Promises to here then no show, no call. Losing more leg movement and the list goes on… depression has hit and it has hit me hard. Will I make it through this one… Hell yes! I always do. I’ll find my inner strength and pull my boot straps back up and move on. But, now and then I need to let go, and let the idiots know to watch what they say. God help them if they ever had to deal with a real illness… my comment to them will be, “Hey asshole, it could be worse, you could have MS!!!”

 

xx, Tracy...