dehumanization · Depression · dreams · Fear · healthcare · HELL · Hospital · multiple sclerosis · nightmares · Nurses · strength

It is TIME!!

I have been hoping that the hell hospital would actually care about how I was treated there. Not so much!! Yesterday I received a letter from their Director of patient and guest relations. A basic, “We are sorry we did not meet your expectations, the nurse has been spoken to, and in the future we hope to meet your expectations.

click on letter to enlarge

I never even spoke to this person and she didn’t seem to feel the need to contact me personally. I have not slept a full night since my time there. I cannot leave my home. I can barely exit my room. I have been living in my pj’s and sleep most days since my nights are full of bad dreams. Here is the new one from last night:


As she awakens she feels pain, her arms sensitive to the touch. She looks down and sees small blood ‘spots’ from all the IV’s that did not work. Please no more. They laugh at her from the end of her bed. Their laughter is deafening and she wants to escape. Her wheelchair is no where to be seen. She drops to the floor and tries to crawl away from them. She feels hands all over her body, pinching, blood, laughter. Their faces are hidden by shadows, she closes her eyes so not to see. Wake up she tells herself, wake up, it’s just a dream, they cannot hurt you anymore. But like monsters under your bed, they will never leave. She opens her eyes, they are gone, she falls into the darkness…

March 5, 2010


That one woke me up around 2 am. Falling back to sleep was impossible. I feel so lost.

All I asked was that they find a way for people having these types of procedures to be allowed a private area for the cleansing process. To re-train nurses for IV insertions. To take care of my part of the bill for my hellish stay. [which is not going to break their bank] Not to charge my insurance for the 1st colonoscopy that they knew would not take and the IV insertion that was not even in my vein. I was told that someone would get back to me and my concerns would be taken to the proper sources. This was on February 22, 2010. Yesterday, I assume, was my answer. A generic, Sorry.

I have left message for two Attorneys thus far. I did not want to have go here, but they leave me no choice. I guess they figure people will give up as they do not have the time, the energy, or the support. Well, I have the time, energy [maybe not], support, all kinds.

Blessings and Hope!

Depression · dreams · Fear · HELL · Hospital · multiple sclerosis · nightmares

Bring me to Life…

As I read through my Hell hospital blogs I get the chills. For some reason the thoughts, the memories will not leave my mind. I can see it all as if I am still there. Humiliation, fear, and so many more emotions. My mind goes 1000 miles a minute at bedtime and my sleep is not going so well. I know time will help to erase some of it, but how much time?

I actually, for the first time in over 3 weeks, did my hair and dressed in clothes. [real clothes, not pj’s] I was going to leave my house and go to the store for the first time since the hospital horrors. Didn’t happen. As the time drew near to go I had a panic attack. The thought of being away from my ‘safe haven’, near my tinkletorium, made me physically ill. Xanax didn’t even help. [ya know you’re in trouble when Xanax doesn’t work!] 😛

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

Still waiting for some kind of call back from the HH. Talked to them on February 22, and still waiting. How long is it going to take for them to let me know what they are going to do about this?

Is it time for the Attorney? Many are telling me, YES! Is that the only way to get them to listen, to provide quality care for their patients? Now I have some thinking to do on the matter. So, now we wait…

Blessings and Hope!

dreams · healthcare · HELL · Hospital · mindless-thoughts · nightmares · Ramblings · sleep

So tired…

When I got offline today [9am] to watch a movie and rest, I had no idea I would sleep until 10 minutes ago [7:35pm]. And, I am ready to go back to sleep in a few minutes. The World passed me by today…

I guess maybe I need/needed it and will probably do it again tomorrow. My day of the walker use is back to the chariot. Legs will not cooperate. I feel it is the complete and total stress from dealing with and waiting to see what hell hospital is going to do, and not getting much sleep from all the nightmares. I will blog all about it when they let me know!

I look at it this way, I can catch up on movies I’ve missed, cuddle with my fur babies and make-up for the sleep the nightmares have been awaking me from. Good times!! 😛

Nigh nite!

Blessings and Hope!

Darkness · dreams · Fear · HELL · Hospital · nightmares


My Radiology reports are ready to be picked up from the Hospital. Roger went to get them as I cannot go near that place. I get chills even thinking about it. Is this was fear feels like? I have felt fear before for tangible, reasons but never for thoughts going through my head.

make it stop!
make it stop

My sleep is off, I wake up nightly from nightmares. WTF!! This does not happen to me. Getting to sleep is hard enough with all the thoughts running through my head. [yes, I do think occasionally] 🙂 Forget about falling back to sleep after a hospital nightmare. It is the same one here, almost nightly with small differences. So not cool!

I’m not sure what to do or where to begin anymore. My MS counselor got me on track with making a list. So, yesterday I made a list of to-dos regarding what I want done due to this terror. As I do them I am checking them off. It did help a bit to calm my mind, but then it comes back at me like a locomotive.

When diagnosed with MS it took so much from me. I fought, and fought hard to regain some of myself from it. After this horrifying experience, I feel like I am right back there again. When will it get any better? Will I ever go back to me?

Blessings and Hope!

**Update – Got all the films, but no written report that WAS asked for. REALLY!! WOW!

Depression · dreams · health · healthcare · HELL · Hospital · humiliation · multiple sclerosis · nightmares · Nurses · Pain · strength

Hell Hospital – Part 5 going home…

January 29 – February 4 – Antelope Valley Hospital, Lancaster California. Second Floor East.


Once back and settled in the nurse came into her room and said she was discharged. Her last meds were an anti-D, tummy pill, and a uti pill. Since she was discharged, no more for pain. And she was in some pain. The nurse tech, K, brought her some jello. [had not eaten much in 3 days and was starving] She had asked for, at least, a soft meal before she had to leave. Finally a meal, a regular meal, was brought to her. She had a few bites, but it was making her a tad ill. What part of soft meal did they not get? Bottom line, she was discharged so they could give a shite. After a mix up over a facet block she had thought they were going to do for her degenerative disc disorder, she just wanted out of there and fast!!

Her hubby had to go back home and get their van and her WC. Once he got back, he packed her up and got her into the WC. They said it would be a few before someone could take her out. ROFL!! NO NEED, I have my own chair and am out of here!! Her hubby could not roll her out fast enough.

When she got home she fell into her bed asleep for 6 hours. Upon awakening she had chills, skin crawls, and fear. Withdrawals from 6 days of Dilaudid IV injections every three hours and no weaning down, just sending home. It only takes 3 days to cause this and she was on it for 6. She wanted, needed more. She had Dilaudid pills so she took one along with a Xanax to calm her nerves. After some research on her hubbies part, he found out that Valium is used to help withdrawal sxs from this type of medication issue. In her case, she was lucky. Due to her MS she had Valium to help her sleep when needed. She took it from Thursday night until Monday morning for the withdrawals to finally subside.

Her issue is this, what about those that do not know this or have help for it? Even with the Valium it was a very scary feeling. How can a hospital, any hospital send people home without weaning medications down?? Irresponsible.

But that part of her nightmare was over, she was out of Hell Hospital, through the withdrawals, and home with the people who love her. She felt lucky, but what about those who do not have the support? What do they do? Who helps them through?


This is the reason for these blogs. I will not back down and they will have to make changes.

I have spoken to the hospital representative and the head of nursing. I’m not sure what they think. They have not contacted me to let me know if anything is being done. I WILL be contacting them back as this is not going to go away. De-humanization, incompetence, and straight out uncaring service should never be tolerated. If I have to talk to the Head of the hospital, I will. If They need me to come in because S says it is not true, I will come in and face her with the truth. I am not under medication anymore, I am still having issues in my heart with the treatment I received, but I will face anyone who says it is not true. The truth WILL prevail.

I am finding me way back day by day. Will I ever be the same ‘me’ again, no. Being de-humanized takes part of your soul from you. Does this make me a weak person? NEVER! I will be strong with the truth and will do anything I need to do to stop this treatment. I will take this all the way.

I just want the ‘nightmares’ to stop…

Blessings and Hope!

***NOTE – my Dilaudid pills have been crushed and put into used coffee grounds to soak the med out and thrown away. After taking the one at home, I wanted them gone!