Christmas · confession · Craziness · Darkness · Depression · falling · Fear · FUCK · health · HELL · Holiday · lonliness · medical · mindless-thoughts · multiple sclerosis · Pain · primary progressive MS · Ramblings · RANDOM · sadness · Wheelchair

I’m sorry, but there’s nothing for you…

What do you do when there is nothing for your type of illness? Yes there is a medication now for primary progressive, Ocrevus, but is it really for us. Most of the studies I see have been done on people with relapsing remitting or secondary progressive. They already had medications. LOL what do you do when there’s nothing for you? It’s too dangerous for me to take any of the DMD medications. So how do you live your life knowing nothing, and let’s face it, no one can help you. How do you fight when there are no tools to help you fight? The only way to slow or stop the progression of multiple sclerosis, any type, is to be on one of the disease modifying drugs. So, please, tell me how do I fight? There are people out there that won’t take those medications because they feel the side effects are too dangerous. I would give my right arm to be on one because I can tell you MS will fuck you up a lot more than any of the side effects from the medications. MS is always working in the background and I don’t care how great your diet is or that you exercise 24 hours a day, 😂 that will not slow or stop the progression of multiple sclerosis! So if you are not on one of those medications, I’m so sorry, but you are a special kind of stupid!

I really don’t mean to sound like a bitch, but I have nothing to help me and it angers me. How do you go on with your life knowing that you  can do absolutely nothing to help yourself. Yes I can watch what I eat and shimmey in my bed to keep movement going but that’s not slowing or stopping my progression. I am so fucking angry. I hate the fucking holidays because I cannot physically do anything for anybody not even myself. I don’t know if people really grasp the concept of being bedridden. Someone told me they were bedridden but that they could get in their wheelchair and cruise around whenever they needed to, that they could still transfer and things on their own. 🤯 UMMM  then you’re not fucking bedridden if you can get up all by yourself and get in n out of your wheelchair on your own.  What the actual fuck! I’m so glad I wasn’t near that person because I would’ve seriously opened up a can of whoop ass on them. LMAO when you’re bedridden you can’t get up out of your bed whenever you feel like it. Then you wouldn’t be bedridden! DUH I cannot even sit up on my own. I can’t even roll over on my own. I am stuck lying on my back for however long I stay in this universe. It’s a whole production getting me dressed and out of my bed and that is probably why I don’t do it very often. And it’s very painful… so there you have it.

Yes I’m angry!!

And every now and then you hear of a new celebrity just diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and they make it sound like they are some sort of martyr. For any chronic illness money talks. Granted it sucks that they are also struggling with this illness but they are able to get the resources that the majority of us sorely need but cannot afford.  I would love to have someone at my home helping me every day. Then I could get out of my bed and I could maybe maybe one day get better. I don’t mean get rid of the MS but physically get stronger and mentally having someone to help me could change my life. But unfortunately the majority of us cannot afford Caregivers nor can we afford to handicap accessorize our homes.  So while I feel sad for the celebrity, I would trade places with them in a heartbeat. I don’t even know where I’m going with this blog today. I can just feel that I’m not in a good place so I just needed to get shit out. As always I’ll be OK but sometimes I wonder how I’m going to be OK.

Have courage… And be kind

Darkness · Depression · falling · Fear · FUCK · FUNNY · health · HELL · mindless-thoughts · multiple sclerosis · primary progressive MS · Ramblings · RANDOM · strength

It’s not just MS!!

If anyone ever tells you, be glad it’s just MS!!  Punch them square in the jaw, to hopefully have the end result be that teeth fall out. Then they will remember never to say that to anyone ever again.

I’m really trying to stay positive, but when every day is the same with change nowhere in sight, it can be hard.

I’ll get over this feeling in a little while and I will get back to my positive outlook. But today I’m allowed to  feel this way and be angry.

And no, I’m not glad it was just multiple sclerosis. So next time think before you fucking speak. This is not going out to any one person in general, it’s just something I see all over the Internet when people are ignorant. So now I am going to watch Fast Times at Ridgemont high, laugh at how stupid it is and funny, and find my positive place again.

Have courage and be kind!

 

candy · Celebration · fun · Halloween · joy · mindless-thoughts · Ramblings · RANDOM · silly · spirits

Happy All Hallows’ Eve!

 I hope everyone has a very safe and Happy All Hallows’ Eve!!

As for me, my back is killing me so I am going to sit in the dark in my room and watch scary movies. One of my favorite things to do. 👻

I’m a little bummed that I’m not able to put on make up or do anything this Halloween, but there will be others.  Thankfully Snapchat has given me a few ways to do some make up. LMAO

Did I mention I love Halloween!

Be safe tonight and be mindful of others around you.  And if teenagers show up at your door, give them candy! It’s much better that they’re doing something safe and fun then being out doing something not so safe and possibly getting into trouble. Childhood leaves us much too soon so let them be children for as long as possible. 🖤

And, if you have a black kitty keep them inside tonight. Humans can be very evil and black cats are targeted on Halloween. I think we all know that humans are the only monsters in this world.

Last but not least, an update on my MRI… They are working to get it done via outpatient so that I can be sedated to help with my pain during the MRI. I decided there’s no reason for me to be in that much pain to get a test so they need to work and help me. We have to be our own advocate and we need to speak up if something is not right for us.  So that’s what I did!

And remember, have courage and be kind.

 

boredom · confession · Craziness · friendship · Happiness · hope · lonliness · mindless-thoughts · multiple sclerosis · primary progressive MS · Ramblings · RANDOM · sarcasm · strength · stupid_stuff

Just be you!!

Lately I’ve been realizing that I was always one of those people that worried about what other people thought. I know most of you probably don’t think that, but that’s exactly how I was. I hid it very well  with my “tough“ persona,  but I always wanted to please people. My time in physical therapy rehab changed me completely. I’m now the person that I always wanted to be and if people can’t handle me, then I don’t need them in my life. I’m going to be that tough girl who fights and doesn’t let people walk over her anymore! I used to go out of my way to do things for people that never really cared. And I don’t expect a pat on the back of or even a thank you. But you know those people I’m talking about. The ones who we just have to be friends with when in reality they are no better than us. But for some reason we always thought they were, so we would go out of our way to get them to be friends with us.

I just never thought I was good enough. I thought to make friends I had to buy things, always be the ride, always be the brunt of jokes. I allowed it so it’s my problem and not theirs, but I will NOT allow it anymore. To be friends with me you have to take the good with the bad, and all of the crazy. I’m not going to change anymore for anyone! It’s nuts how it took me nearly 54 years to figure all of this out. Better late than never comes to mind. ☺️

I lie here at night, and when I can’t sleep I just have so many thoughts that go through my head. I just don’t know how to put it down on paper. So I talk text and say what I feel. Half the time I can’t remember my thoughts from the night before. I’ll just blame MS cog fog. LOL I mean if you have to have a disease then by all rights use it as a great blame tool.  It’s those voices in my head that don’t let me quit. It’s those voices in my head that make me strong. It’s that little inner child that comes up to the surface when I need her.

Self discovery that’s really a great thing!

Have courage and be kind…

anger · Darkness · Depression · Fear · FUCK · health · health insurance · healthcare · HELL · hope · lonliness · medical · medications · mindless-thoughts · multiple sclerosis · Pain · primary progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings · RANDOM · sadness · strength · Wheelchair

Too Disabled…

Well those are not the words that were used, but that’s exactly what was meant. I’m too disabled for the DMD’s. That unfortunately in my current situation I am more susceptible to the side effects. Because of my bedridden status my body is at higher-risk of infection. With my constant bladder infections it could easily lead to sepsis. Because of the cancer that runs in my family I’m more apt to the cancer side effect of Ocrevus. And, in a nutshell, it’s not really meant for the primary progressive form of multiple sclerosis. I hate being right. I knew that the big hype that this was the first medication for the progressive forms would not mean primary progressive. If I want to be on the medication they will classify me as secondary progressive… and that’s not happening. I’m numb right now and I’m trying to come to terms with this. I’m angry too. There are people out there going med free thinking that they’re beating the monster that is MS. In the background MS is still progressing and doing its MS thing. I’m scared for them because when the relapse hits, and it will hit, it will be too late for them. They are blessed to be able to be on one of the many medications out there now, and they’re not doing it. I understand it’s a personal choice, I get that. But MS is not stopping because they’re eating right and exercising. That’s not going to slow or stop the progression. That’s not opinion, that is fact! I’m angry because I want to be on one of the medications and I am not able to take one. And for me the side effects aren’t nearly as awful as the MS. I’ve had to be med free, I’ve done the good healthy eating, I do the exercise as much as I can, and I still progressed to being bedridden. I’ll trade anyone of you people to be on those medications. Do you want to trade your MS for mine? Yeah I didn’t think so.

Before anyone says get a second opinion, this is the second neurologist opinion. He did say to keep doing what I’m doing regarding exercise and eating properly. But he also explained that I shouldn’t get my hopes up because I probably will not get back the use of my legs to transfer etc.. The good thing is with exercising I’m getting what’s called muscle memory. That’s pretty awesome because it’s much better than atrophy. But it really is kind of a second gut punch to me. I know in my intelligent brain that I can’t really get back everything I’ve lost, but in my hopeful mind I wanted to believe I could. So I will keep exercising the best I can and continue on. I have to, there is no other option. I will not fall back into my negative mind. I will keep my new positive outlook going and fight through this as I have fought through everything for the last two decades.

The main thing I have to do now is to let go of the what ifs. What if I had gotten into a physical therapy straightaway when I fell November 2013?  What if my doctors had been more proactive with me? I can’t go back and change any of it and I need to let it go. I need to move on from here and continue doing what I’m doing.

On in a bit of a positive note I did finally get my x-rays done. That fiasco is for another blog. LOL I’m hopeful this will give them some more information in combating my pain. Right now that’s my focus. If we can figure out what’s causing my pain and get it under control I may be able to be in my wheelchair more. So that will be my next journey, the journey for pain relief.

If you’re able, go out and seize the day, because you never know what tomorrow will bring.

Have courage and be kind…

Animals · boredom · confession · Depression · FUNNY · health · health insurance · hope · medical · mindless-thoughts · multiple sclerosis · primary progressive MS · Ramblings · strength · stupid_stuff · Wheelchair

Some days…

Seriously, some days I wonder why the hell I even bother waking up. No, I don’t mean the alternative. It just gets harder and harder it seems, to be trapped in this bed. Three months ago I was at the point where I didn’t care anymore. I kept my self medicated so I didn’t have to think about being in this prison. But then, I got help. My mind set changed and I saw that there was some hope left.  In a perfect world I would’ve been able to remain there until I could actually get up on my own. And no, I don’t mean up being a dancing fool, just able to transfer myself from my bed to my wheelchair.  In this world, insurance would have none of that. 😳

So I’ve been lying here for the last two days, angry and a little bit lost. It seems that since I had a glimpse of what might happen, I am not handling being trapped very well anymore. Hell, without the help I need, nothing is going to change. I feel like I’m fooling myself in a sense when I say that I can do this on my own. I want to keep that positive facade going so everyone thinks everything’s great… but it’s not. And no, I’m not giving up, but I am looking for alternatives. 🤔

I’ve been mindlessly watching movies for the last two days. Anything to keep my mind off of everything that I cannot do anymore. As I’m watching I constantly wiggle my butt 😏 move my arms 💪🏻 and try and strengthen myself. But in all honesty, that’s not going to change very much for me.  Right now while I’m talk typing, I’m wiggling my hips back-and-forth. Just keep moving is my new motto, and moving is what I will keep doing as much as I can. If only my dogs 🐶 had opposable thumbs and could understand me and be able to talk  and be strong enough to lift me up, everything would be aces. 😂  It could happen.

Okay, back to the real world. I think the worst part for me is that in my mind I can see myself moving my legs enough to be able to get transferred to my wheelchair. I can’t explain it properly. Sometimes as I’m lying here I can almost feel my body move on its own. I know that sounds like some crazy  psychotic shit. LOL  I wish I had the proper words for it. But I am literally drawing a blank. It’s like I can see myself outside of myself. Okay, now I’m  really going in to the realms of crazy psycho woman. 🤣  And I think I just said back to the real world. Welcome to my mind. 😳

I am now going to bid you farewell for the night.  You can thank me later. 💋

Have courage and be kind 🖤