I hope everyone has a very safe and Happy All Hallows’ Eve!!
As for me, my back is killing me so I am going to sit in the dark in my room and watch scary movies. One of my favorite things to do. 👻
I’m a little bummed that I’m not able to put on make up or do anything this Halloween, but there will be others. Thankfully Snapchat has given me a few ways to do some make up. LMAO
Did I mention I love Halloween!
Be safe tonight and be mindful of others around you. And if teenagers show up at your door, give them candy! It’s much better that they’re doing something safe and fun then being out doing something not so safe and possibly getting into trouble. Childhood leaves us much too soon so let them be children for as long as possible. 🖤
And, if you have a black kitty keep them inside tonight. Humans can be very evil and black cats are targeted on Halloween. I think we all know that humans are the only monsters in this world.
Last but not least, an update on my MRI… They are working to get it done via outpatient so that I can be sedated to help with my pain during the MRI. I decided there’s no reason for me to be in that much pain to get a test so they need to work and help me. We have to be our own advocate and we need to speak up if something is not right for us. So that’s what I did!
I just thought I would share a little bit of what makes me smile every day. My children with paws 🐾
Clockwise from top left: Soloh, Charlie (girl), Gatsby, Zoe (kitty), and Dexter Morgan.
All rescues, as in my mind, rescue IS the only breed!
This handsome bearded dragon was Stewie. He is and will always be the only bearded dragon I will ever love. 😉 He was awesome!
Animals are forever! They love you unconditionally and they should always be treated like family. I am against breeding as I believe until they all have a home it should be stopped. There really is no need for designer dogs. So please, adopt, Don’t shop! I know breeding will never stop completely but until we can clear out the shelters and stop the murder of so many healthy beautiful animals we need to rethink breeding for the time being. And, FYI, you can find many purebreds in the shelters and breed-specific rescue’s. So there really is no reason to go to a breeder. I will now step down off my soapbox. 😂🤣
When my alarm goes off at 9 AM to remind me to take my morning medication, I grab my bed remote sit up a little bit, take my meds. Then, normally I will call to my son to bring me a cup of coffee and try and start my day. However, for the past week or so my alarm goes off, I will grab my remote to sit up and take my meds, and then I just lie back to go to sleep. I was in that mode of, why does it matter if I wake up right now, the same thing that happened yesterday it’s going to happen today so who cares. When you’re bedridden, one day rolls right into the next. Every night I go to bed I know that the next morning I will be in the same place doing the same things for the whole day.
Then, finally, at around 1 PM I told myself and to pull up my imaginary bootstraps and wake the hell up. It was really hard to do. I literally saw no reason for me to actually awaken. But, I did, and I made it through this day. Minute by minute is the only thing I can hold onto. Any longer than that and I’m not sure what would happen…
The one thing I do know and I am very sure of… I AM an MS Warrior!
Right now it is 2:45 PM on Thursday. I just woke the hell up. I guess it’s better than yesterday when I woke up at 3:30 PM. I went to bed at reasonable hours both nights but my body just does not want to wake up. Maybe it’s because I know what it’s waking up to. Maybe after all this time I’m just sick and tired of dealing with it. I’m just not quite sure why it all is hitting me so hard right now, but it’s it’s as if the light at the end of my tunnel is a locomotive coming right at me. I’ve been searching my mind as to why everything is hitting me so badly and I cannot figure it out. Nothing has really changed in the last 4.8 years of being completely bedbound, fuck it the last 5 years ( yes I am rounding up ) to make me feel so lost right now. Or maybe that is the problem, that nothing has changed. I am a grown ass woman who has never been afraid to speak my mind, tell it like it is, or go toe to toe with someone who is a complete dickwad. 😈 But, this piece of shit MonSter that is MS is a different kind of enemy. It is very sneaky and it takes away from your soul not just your body. It not only affects the recipient it affects everyone around them that loves them.
I really am trying to find that blessing. It just seems so out of reach. I know everyone says that I’m lucky because I have the gift of life. And believe me I completely understand that. But is living in a bed every day, every night, every week, every month, really living? I don’t think that people understand that this part of my journey is not going to change. I can’t do any of the treatments so I’m as will continue doing what it does and it will continue to progress. So what does somebody do with that? How do you find that blessing knowing that the help that is out there now for your disease, you are not allowed to do. So I think I just have to say fuck it and be like cookie monster and when it’s unpleasant just eat the fucking cookie. A medicated cookie but you get the idea. 😉
Tomorrow is my pain management appointment with Dr. Nasser. Once a month like clockwork. I have a list of things to ask and the way I’m feeling I’m pretty sure I’m going to end up being a little forceful when I ask. By forceful I mean I will probably be in tears begging for someone to help me. 😭 Yes, ugly tears. I’m already scared to death to go because I know how bad the pain is going to be when I’m lifted in that Hoyer lift and put in my wheelchair. Hell, just rolling me over to fix my clothes and get me in the lift sling is Is making me sick to my stomach. Fuck fuck fuck you multiple sclerosis!
A little bit of advice before I go… If you yourself have MS and are still able bodied, make a list of everything you want to do and do it now! Don’t put anything off because people with our illness we have no idea what the next day will bring. And if you’re Normie, a person with no afflictions, the same goes for you. Make a list and do the things you want to do now, because even though you don’t have an illness, shit can happen in the blink of an eye. So do what you want to do now. Please I beg of you, don’t put it off for another second.
To literally and figuratively be trapped in your own body is tantamount to living in a horror movie. Horror movies are my genre and most days I feel like I’m staring in my very own movie. I wonder when I’ll get my star in Hollywood? 😜 That feeling of claustrophobia that feeling of been unable to move is a feeling no person should ever have to endure. Unfortunately many of us have to live this way every day of our lives. The Normies ( people without any type of illness ) go about their day in a bubble. I know, I was there once. While I was always a person to help others, by opening doors for someone in a wheelchair, by reaching things for people who couldn’t, or just to have a kind word for someone, the truth is I never really saw the person. I could feel for them and wish I could help them in other ways but I never quite understood just how it was living that way. Now that I am that person that needs help I realize just how much our country needs to wake up and give love instead of hate. I’ve had people push me aside in my manual wheelchair because they needed to get something and they couldn’t reach reach something with me in front of them. It didn’t matter that I was looking at something to purchase, all that mattered was I was in their way. I was a third class citizen that didn’t even need to be asked if I could please move for a second. Trust me that person never did that to anyone else ever again once I was through with them, but what if I had been someone that didn’t have a voice.
That’s the question in my mind every single day. How will I break free, or will I ever be able to. If I’m truly honest with myself I know that I will not get back what I have lost. I’m not saying that in a sad or depressing way, I’m saying it in a medically proven way. If only one doctor had said this to me I probably would’ve laughed at him, but it’s been several doctors have said this to me. I know they’re not trying to discourage me or hurt me they’re trying to give me reality. They don’t want me to get my hopes up so they’re giving me statistics regarding people with my severity of the disease. With primary progressive multiple sclerosis you constantly progress. There is no remission there is no 10 minute break. 😉 There is no relapse that you will come out of and be OK. You just continue to get worse. So now I’m trying to resign myself to the fact that my future, at this moment, isn’t very bright. As you noticed, I said at this moment. While I am a realist, I am also a dreamer. So I will continue to do my exercises, I will continue to fight this MonSter. But I’m scared. Even those with MS will, I pray, never have to be trapped like this. The disease itself is horrific but the thought of spending the rest of my life trapped in this bed is completely and utterly paralyzing. And I can say, with the upmost truth and honesty… I want to live, not just exist.