Archive for the ‘friendship’ Category

Facebook has brought me together with some fabulous people who battle the MonSter with me. Heather Leffel is an amazing young woman who shares so much of herself and of the struggles we, fighting MS, go through. Recently she did a video on “MS and the Losses We Suffer“. Together, with Kate Milliken, a video was compiled of excerpts from people suffering from MS [all types] and the losses they have experienced.

I am honored to be a part of this amazing project! I believe the Universe sends us messages from time to time, when we truly need them. I have been going through a very rough time as of late. I was losing hope… Then, BAM, the finished video showed up on my FB feed. As I watched it through my tears, I felt the hope returning to my soul. I was so inspired by those who shared their hearts.

So, without further ado…


Things I can’t do anymore:

dress by myself, get out of bed, go to the tinkletorium, drive, walk [duh], sleep on my side, lift myself up, use the stove/oven, go out in the sun, put on shoes, garden, laundry, vacuum, travel, cook, hold my bladder 😉

Things I can do:

sleep on my back [boring], watch endless amounts of tv/dvds/netflix, use the computer, manage our money, sleep [I’m the pro], love, hope

I know I’m in a state of limbo right now. Not sure what to do or how to do it. Knowing is the first step. Coming out of it is the hardest step. I’ll get there…

Love and Light

“Knowing you’re falling is the first step to getting back up”  – T Radford

Nights like these are beginning to piss me off. Mr. Sandman must have lost my freakin’ address. My night has been watching movies and trying to sleep.

I realized after reading yesterdays blog, I really haven’t gotten out of bed for a while now. I’ve been thinking about the ‘why’ I haven’t. If I am truly honest with myself, I know the reason… “What’s the point?” I could get up and sit in my wheel-chariot, but then my ankles become kankles, and I really hate that. I’m no longer able to drive, so I can’t just get up and go out. Unless I have help, I can’t even get out of my bed to get in my chair. So, again, “What’s the point?” I feel safe here. I really hate being out in public. I’m in a body I hate, and frankly I don’t like people. I’m not me anymore.

Some might say I’m feeling sorry for myself. Well DUH! I’m fucking human, of course I do at times. Anyone dealing with a progressive illness is lying if they say they never feel sorry for themselves. It’s human nature. I also feel anger, sadness, emptiness, loneliness, and the list goes on. My body is broken and it’s messing with my head. I try so hard to find the ‘positives’ of life, but when you can’t even sit up in bed without someone pulling you up by your arm, positivity is hard to find. Then the fear sets in. Will tomorrow be the day I wake up and my body no longer moves at all? Every night that thought crosses my mind. I’ve lost 2 dear friends, younger than me, to complications of PPMS. It’s fucking scary. And please don’t anyone say it could be worse! This IS my ‘worse’. Death would be easier. I’m so tired of fighting this all the time. But, I’ve never been a quitter, so death is not an option. But, I’m just so fucking tired!!

I know some of my emotions right now stem from the loss of my mom. But honestly, there’s nothing wrong with telling it like it is… the cold hard truth. So many people with with debilitating illnesses keep their inner thoughts to themselves for fear of what others might think. Yes, I think of death, and how much easier it would be. Will I go there? NO! But, the thought is in my head at times. It’s much healthier to talk about it then keep it bottled up inside. People with disabilities unite!! It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to feel sorry for ourselves, it’s okay to be angry as hell. We need to vent it out in order to heal our minds. Honestly, if the ‘healthies’ and/or others don’t like it or want to hear it, fuck them! They’re not worthy of us in the first place. You really do find out who your try friends are when illness [serious illness, not a cold 😛 ] strikes.

People tell me all the time to think of the good things; family and my friends who love me. DUH, I know this, but I’d also like a little quality of life. No one but me lives in my body. No one but me feels my emotional and constant physical pain. My body no longer works, I can’t do anything without someone there to help me. My independence is gone. When my kids are in school and hubby is at work and I’m home alone, it’s terrifying. I can’t get out of bed or do anything for fear of falling and hurting myself. It feels like i’m in jail.

There’s a line from one of my favorite movies, Last Holiday, that sums it up. “I would like to be cremated. I spent my whole life in a box. I don’t want to be buried in one.”

I know kind of depressing, but my feelings in a nutshell.

 I’m not getting better. I will keep progressing. Scary part is that progression at this point is heading towards total paralysis. Oh joy!

I am looking in to a new neurologist. After 16 years with the same one I feel he’s getting a bit lax. I’m also looking in to a wheel-chariot that has a reclining and raising option. I’ve been looking for clinical trials for PPMS, but most say the patient needs to be able to walk 20 feet to qualify. Are you fucking kidding me. I even looked in to a trial for incontinence, and didn’t qualify. SERIOUSLY!! I’m the incontinent Queen for fucks sake. If they can help me, they can help anyone! 😉 There’s all kinds of new medications for RRMS. Shit, if they could find a medication for the progressive form, that works, they could control RRMS completely. Get on it you researching fools!!

Well peeps, it’s now after 6am. Think I’ll find another movie to watch. Preferably something boring that will put me to sleep. Where’s my ole economics professor when I need him. lmao

A quick note, I’m reading some cool spell books. Who knows i may be able to cure myself. I believe in the power of nature and balance. Damn, I’ve tried everything else, it can’t hurt to give this a go. I’ll keep you posted.

Ta-Ta for now. Love and Light

I know, what’s new right? I’m needing a change, so first thing I did was pretty up my blog here with a new design. Love how WordPress has so many cool options.

Not sure if I shared that I am yet again a foster fail! I suck at it. My worry is, what if the people who adopt him are not good. What if they don’t like the fact that he likes to sleep under the covers or between their legs? I actually had NO choice this time as my hubby fell in love with him. Hmmm, so this time it was Rog who was the foster fail!! HA!! 😛

Sleepy Boy Gatsby

Sleepy Boy Gatsby


Yesterday we finally broke down and got new tires my on crip-mobile. They were getting bad, but when you have no dinero what can you do. Thankfully, Sears has that deferred pmt plan so we have 12 mos to pay it off with no interest. We’re heading out of town soon and there was no way I would let us drive that distance on ‘iffy’ tires. Especially not with my kids in the car.


I’m trying really hard right now to focus on other things and fight off the depression. It’s a long hard battle. I usually come out on top, but this time seems different. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Normally I ‘joke’ my way out of it, but nothing seems funny right now. I know it will pass eventually… at least I hope it will!

Peace Out peeps! xo

Life can seriously get you down.  My newest issue, it’s the fear to go outside of my own home. I hadn’t left my home for months, and last time I left I had a little bit of an anxiety attack in my car. The day went downhill from there. I knew better but my car wouldn’t start my first thought was just stay the fuck home! BTW, if my words a little off because I’m using the speech program as it’s been really hard to type and honestly the speech programs aren’t what they say they are. I do know proper grammar, But sometimes what comes out on here isn’t what I actually said. And honestly, much too tired to go back through and fix it all so please bear with me!

My biggest issue, with not being able to go outside, is my baby sister is getting married in April at her bridal shower is this month. I would never miss it for anything! They may have to drug me to get me in the car to go, but all good as again I wouldn’t miss this for the world.

Wow! As I just read this over there are so many mistakes, and again I am so sorry for them but I really cannot type right now.

I know I’m not feeling well when I just do not want to get on the computer. Facebook is the last place I want to be right now. For a while, I think I’m just going to do some blogging on here and maybe share Facebook but not get involved too much right now as I really need a break, for me. All I want to do lately is to sleep. Depression maybe, yeah think so! I am working on getting out of my house slowly but surely. I actually went out the day after everything went crazy with my husband, and it was a little easier although I did want to get back home quickly!

Unless you have an anxiety attack, a real anxiety attack you have no idea what happens. I am so sick of the people that tell you to just breathe through it. Well you can’t fucking just breathe Through it! I had to leave my room at night out of my cozy bed and asleep in my recliner as my anxiety gets so crazy I do not want to wake up my husband. Then the breathing gets really erratic, start to sweat, the tears flow, and I just want the world to end! If it wasn’t for Valium I probably would’ve pulled all of my hair out of my head!

I hate how this affects my family, but it’s so hard to just let it all go. I try to keep it to myself, but it’s very very hard to do so. I know I have love I have friends and family, but in all honesty most people don’t want to hear about it. Most people don’t understand what it’s like to have your life taken away from you and end up in a wheelchair. Unless you’re in that situation, you really have no idea.

They say things happen for reason, I think that’s bullshit! If it were true then all of the murderers, the pedophiles, and scum in prison, would be stricken with these illnesses. So I’m sorry, but fuck that bullshit that things happen for reason!

Does it sound like an angry? Well I am angry, what’s going happen when the day comes that I wake up and can’t move,  I wake up and can’t speak. Who is going to help then, God! I don’t think so.


Peace out kids!

My fabulous team:

Love these people!!

Sabrina, dd Shelby, and Roger

The Fabulous Bobbi

Handsome men!!

Some of my favorite girls!!

Love these peeps!

The Three Amigos! 😉


The most awesome Mascot!

Thanks to the best MS Walk Team ever!! Love you all and ty from the bottom of my heart… or the heart of my bottom! 😛

xoxoxo, Tracy

More piccies!!

Gorgeous birds!!


Get to walkin'

All done and medaled up!!


With over 45 volunteers and friends of Halfway to Home bused in from the Antelope Valley, last night in a Bakersfield night court a decision was made.

Halfway to Home’s permit was not renewed… yet. The court has ruled that on September 22, 2011, Kern County will give Suzanne of list of what they want done at the rescue, concrete work, etc. She will be allowed 50 dogs, where the county only wanted 10. WINNING! And, she has 3 years to get all of this in order! WINNING again!

NOW, the hard work begins… HWTH is run solely on donations and Suzanne’s Social Security. She has the largest number of volunteers for a rescue.

Some of the amazing volunteers!

But, to save this shelter they will need help! To get the concrete work done, in itself, will be a big undertaking which will be costly. Three years may sound like a long time, but in reality it is just a flash in time. They will need donations! This rescue is dear to my heart as two of my furbabies were rescued here. I know times are hard, the economy is bad, but maybe instead of that Starbucks coffee, donate! You get my meaning. 😀

I ask you to please share this information, please help save Halfway to Home and the countless dogs that are rescued every year!

Click the banner below to go the their website and you can donate there.

Click the logo to go to their site!

Your donations ARE tax deductible!

Love and Light!