Angels-Among-Us · boredom · dreams · FUNNY · multiple sclerosis · Pain · primary progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings · sleep · strength

You are getting sleepy… sleepy

Sleep in one of the many wonders of the universe. Something that is not always easy for me. I think because my body is always at rest my brain is not sure when it should sleep or not sleep. 😴There have been times where I am up for 3 to 4 days without any sleep until I finally pass out from exhaustion. 😳 Thankfully that hasn’t happened in quite some time because I found a few things that really help me. I thought I would share and maybe it might help someone else.

For a while I would watch Dr. PimplePopper videos because they would knock me out. I don’t know why but her videos can be mesmerizing. LOL I know gross! But, If you know me you know I like gross. 😂

Then I started using an app called ‘Insight Timer’, which I recommend highly. I like to listen to one of the recordings that is called, Floating. It’s very calming. I found one last night that is called ‘Sacral Chakra Tibetan Singing Bowl. It was quite beautiful and I love the sound of the singing bowls. I have tried guided meditation, but like with books on tape, the voices to me were not soothing or calming. The only time I have ever been able to do guided meditation was when I was able to do yoga for MS many years ago. The yoga instructor, Colleen, had the most beautiful accent and when we would finish with yoga she would do a guided meditation with us. I always fell asleep instantly. Her voice is like an angel’s. 😇

Then a friend of mine, Victoria, sent me a link to some really cool videos called ASMR on YouTube. Autonomous sensory Meridian response (ASMR) – a feeling of well-being combined with a tingling sensation in the scalp and down the back of the neck, as experienced by some people in response to a specific gentle stimulus, often a particular sound.

I was honestly very skeptical about this. When I first started watching I have to admit I was kind of giggling a lot. What are these people doing? 😜They were clicking their tongues, tapping on various items, whispering, and doing off-the-wall role-play. But, lo and behold, the next thing I knew I was fast asleep. ‘Whispers Red’ and ‘Sophie Michelle’ are my favorites. I tried listening and watching a couple of the male ASMR videos, but their voices were not very calming to me. Sorry, not sorry! LOL

Do a search in YouTube for ASMR videos for sleep. You will find a lot.

You do have to look around because some people don’t realize we just want to have a calming video.  There is one person that does it and she’s constantly talking about how people are stealing her ideas. Seriously! Everyone pretty much does the same thing. I tried to watch hers, but it was a no go. LOL I honestly don’t want to hear about someone else’s troubles 😮 so not one of my favorites. 😊

Another thing I have tried was books on tape. The only problem with that is you can’t choose the voice. LOL I just did not like the voice of the ones I heard. I have to have a soothing voice whether it be male or female and I have yet to find one. Although, if Morgan Freeman would do every book on tape that I want, I’d be OK with it. 🖤

I hope that something I have a mentioned in this post can help someone else, because then my sleepless nights and finding things that work… are worth it. 🖤

Have courage and be kind!

 

anger · boredom · multiple sclerosis · Pain · primary progressive MS · Ramblings · sarcasm

Everything happens for a reason…

 

This everything happens for a reason crap I have a hard time with. There is no good reason that my sister died from cancer, there’s no good reason that I have friends that deal with MS and also cancer. 

There is no good fucking reason that I am bedridden and deal with so much shit on a daily basis. So I am sorry but, everything happens for a reason, is a bunch of bullshit!

And it has nothing to do with faith so don’t bring that crap into this. 🤦🏻‍♀️

And the bottom line is when that “reason” happens, it better be me getting out of this bed standing up and walking all on my own.

People tell me all the time that maybe my reason for this is because I’m vocal and I make people feel like they’re not alone and I can inspire people. Honestly I would do that before I didn’t need for this to happen to be there for others and to help others. So that’s kind of a mute point.  Oh the joys of life! 🖤

Have courage and be kind!

anger · boredom · Darkness · Depression · Fear · hope · HORROR · lonliness · medical · multiple sclerosis · primary progressive MS · Ramblings · sadness

Procrastinate for 500 please

Lately I think I do a lot of this in regards to doctors appointments etc. My procrastination comes from the fear of the pain it will cause to go to said doctors appointments etc. Just taking a shower is painful AF. And it’s all about my hips due to the fact my legs have been frog legs for over five years now.  And my husband rolls me over on my side I can’t explain the pain in my hip joint area. And then the moment I am in my Hoyer lift and he starts to raise it up, as my hips turn in their joint to the proper sitting position all I can do is cry.  My left hand which I have problems with, already ends up in a claw like fist when the pain hits and I literally can’t speak or function. And therein lies the main reason I don’t want to get up anymore. I can no longer handle the pain. I don’t even want to go to my pain management doctor because as I stated above it hurts to get up and be a normal person sitting like a normal person. So what can I do? I try to move my legs as much as possible on my own which is sometimes futile. My family can’t do it they have lives of their own and my husband doesn’t have time to work with me every day.

Unfortunately like you see in the movies people that are ill have caregivers that come in and out of the home. It’s not like that in real life  unless you can afford it or the state provides it.  Neither of which will happen for me. We live paycheck to paycheck but supposedly we make too much to be allowed help. Go figure 🤷🏻‍♀️ I wish it were like the movies because then I would have a physical therapist helping me daily, someone to help with my meals, showers, and my well-being. But it’s not like the movies. Lately I’ve noticed people are talking about the celebrities that have been diagnosed with MS blah blah blah. I feel for them, I do, but I don’t believe they go through the same types of issues that many of us have. They can afford getting the help they need and all that comes with being a celebrity.  I completely feel for them because they’re stuck with this fucked up disease, but I guarantee having money makes  having chronic illness a bit easier. Or maybe it doesn’t. What do I know?!

I really don’t mean to sound so bitter, but I am a little bit. LOL I think this is all coming out right now because it’s a new year and I am very clearheaded and I am confused and afraid because I really don’t know where to begin or how to get myself better.

Fuck it… I’ll think about it tomorrow… Because tomorrow is another day.

Have courage and be kind

boredom · Ramblings · RANDOM · silly

Whatever do we do?

Bahahaha you know this is true! There are no more presents to wrap because by now they’ve all been unwrapped. People are deciding if they should take down Christmas immediately or if they should wait and take down on New Year’s. The malls are still pretty crowded because people are doing returns and/or finding what they think are deals after the holiday. People in the work force are praying that their company will also give them the day before New Year’s off. Who doesn’t want a four day weekend?

Then you have people like me who can’t distinguish one day from the next. I still use an old-fashioned calendar to mark days off as they go so I don’t get lost. 😂 I would love to be able to blame this solely on multiple sclerosis, but I can’t. I mean I have become more scatterbrained but I’ve always been a little off. LMAO just ask people that have known me for years. Trust me they will tell you the truth. 🤔 I am not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

I think the five days between these two holidays are quite similar to the feeling you get when you’re sitting next to a stranger and you’re not  really sure where to put your arm(s). You know that feeling… You don’t want to touch them but you also don’t wanna look standoffish or rude so you fiddle with your arms as you’re not sure how to hold them.  What ever will you do…

And with that please remember to always have courage and be kind! 🖤

 

anger · boredom · Christmas · Craziness · Darkness · Depression · Fear · Happiness · health · hope · lonliness · multiple sclerosis · new year · nightmares · Pain · primary progressive MS · Ramblings · sarcasm · strength

As the year ends…

Most people at this time of year are thinking about their New Year’s resolutions getting ready for all the new things to come. I’m lying here completely lost… I feel like I’m in the twilight zone. This year my house was not decorated for Christmas and it was actually just another day. The holidays are not the same for me anymore because I can no longer get up and get my home decorated and make it feel Christmasy.  I’m telling you the Christmas times when I was better my house was decked the fuck out and looked awesome!  Oh how I miss that!

I’m just void of emotion right now.  Like everyone on the planet none of us knows what tomorrow will bring. Although I do know… It’s just going to bring more of the same of me lying in my bed looking around at my four walls wondering why I’m even here anymore. What is my purpose?  What is the point of life when you can’t live it. I know I’m blessed that I get to wake up every morning… But that’s about it. I wake up and I have a couple choices; watch TV, play on the computer, watch TV, play on the computer…  you get the idea. 😉

I’m not trying to be a Debbie downer I am a realist and quite honestly I hate being a realist. I never was until this piece of shit disease put me in this bed for the past five years. And before that put me in a wheelchair. I’m angry, just like I mentioned in a blog a couple of days ago. I don’t know how to get rid of that anger. I look around and I see a lot. I watch people complain about every day issues like not having enough time in the day to get their kids wherever they need to be or to grocery shop or clean their house. What I wouldn’t give to have those issues. My wish for people is too slow the fuck down and see the beauty around you because quite honestly it could be taken away from you at any moment. A dirty house is a beautiful thing because it means it’s been lived in. And having to run around and take your kids everywhere isn’t a chore it’s a blessing that you are able to do it. I know that I took so many things for granted and I wish I could go back and spend time on certain memories and open my eyes more and be more present. But you cannot go back so please I implore you, be present and if there’s something you want to do do it now. Because one day you may not be able to and I guarantee you will  have so much regret. And trust me, regret is paralyzing!

I’m not sure how much more of a fight I have left in me considering there’s nothing for me to fight with. There are no medications I can take so I just have to pray that my MS will be kind to me and not keep progressing. OK I’m kind of laughing at that last sentence because I am primary progressive so I know that it will keep progressing… I’m just asking it to slow down a little bit. LMAO  I really wish that MS were a person because I would beat the living hell out of it.

I think the worst part about being trapped in a bed is the loneliness. Nobody really wants to sit in your room with you whole are you lying in your bed, even though I’m funny as hell and quite enjoyable to be around. 😂 I really am!  If it weren’t for my beautiful doggies I honestly don’t know if I would still be here. I can’t expect my family  to constantly hang out with mom. They have their own lives. And my husband cannot spend every waking minute in here with me either. Everyone complains that my room is so cluttered and I really should throw things away. I don’t think they understand that this room is my whole life. What they see has junk and clutter are things that make me smile. Stupid things like my living dead dolls or my Lucy collection, my lava lamp, etc. Things that to someone else wouldn’t mean anything but to me they mean everything because they are all that I have! 🖤

So please, for me, do me a favor and instead of making resolutions just make a promise to yourself to be present for every moment that comes your way. It could quite possibly change your life.

Have courage and be kind…

boredom · confession · Craziness · friendship · Happiness · hope · lonliness · mindless-thoughts · multiple sclerosis · primary progressive MS · Ramblings · RANDOM · sarcasm · strength · stupid_stuff

Just be you!!

Lately I’ve been realizing that I was always one of those people that worried about what other people thought. I know most of you probably don’t think that, but that’s exactly how I was. I hid it very well  with my “tough“ persona,  but I always wanted to please people. My time in physical therapy rehab changed me completely. I’m now the person that I always wanted to be and if people can’t handle me, then I don’t need them in my life. I’m going to be that tough girl who fights and doesn’t let people walk over her anymore! I used to go out of my way to do things for people that never really cared. And I don’t expect a pat on the back of or even a thank you. But you know those people I’m talking about. The ones who we just have to be friends with when in reality they are no better than us. But for some reason we always thought they were, so we would go out of our way to get them to be friends with us.

I just never thought I was good enough. I thought to make friends I had to buy things, always be the ride, always be the brunt of jokes. I allowed it so it’s my problem and not theirs, but I will NOT allow it anymore. To be friends with me you have to take the good with the bad, and all of the crazy. I’m not going to change anymore for anyone! It’s nuts how it took me nearly 54 years to figure all of this out. Better late than never comes to mind. ☺️

I lie here at night, and when I can’t sleep I just have so many thoughts that go through my head. I just don’t know how to put it down on paper. So I talk text and say what I feel. Half the time I can’t remember my thoughts from the night before. I’ll just blame MS cog fog. LOL I mean if you have to have a disease then by all rights use it as a great blame tool.  It’s those voices in my head that don’t let me quit. It’s those voices in my head that make me strong. It’s that little inner child that comes up to the surface when I need her.

Self discovery that’s really a great thing!

Have courage and be kind…