As I stated in part 1 this was not my first rodeo. When I was 15/16 I had a “dramatic” moment. Because you know it is all about drama. 😳 I think those are the comments about suicide that irritate me the most. ￼It was over a boy who shall not be named… John N. I’m sorry, I could not help myself.￼
All it did was make me sick and embarrassed. ￼Throughout the years I had thoughts about it over various life issues, but not an actual “attempt” until February 2017. During this time I felt like such a burden as this was one of those, “didn’t go as planned” big life moments. When does anything go as planned? So here I am, bedridden for 4 years, at the time, feeling so very lost and alone. What makes it worse is the fact that I was not alone. But you see, I could not see what was right in front of me. Do you really believe anyone wants to end their life?? NO NO they don’t. What we want is the pain to end. And each person’s pain is individual but just as horrifying. Until you personally feel the bottom of the abyss, you’ll never understand. And I hope you never do.
Looking back on this one it feels different. It was a “cry for help” attempt. My husband took video of me having a moment￼ to show me what it looked like. I knew in my head I didn’t want to die but I didn’t know how to scream for help so I did some stupid shit (I can say that because it was my stupid shit) trying to cry out for help. I knew what I was doing would not kill me but maybe make someone notice. The things we do to ourselves when we’re lost is so undeniably sad. The video was eye opening… just not enough.￼ They did keep me this time for 48 hours observation. I am doing something that I’m not sure I should or maybe I’m really nervous about being so vulnerable.￼ but I’m trying to be completely transparent and honest so I’m going to share one of the videos. Please be kind.
February 2018 was a “thought” attempt. What I mean by that is, I was all ready to exit stage left, but I called for help first! Coincidentally, this is when the rehab insurance nightmare begins. 🤔
In 2019 I called, yet again, for help before doing something stupid. I was taken to the hospital at Palmdale Regional Medical Center. I told the ER doctor that I was having suicidal thoughts. He looked me straight in the eye and told me, “no you’re not.” The nurse that was standing there… her jaw fell to the floor bounced back up and fell again.￼￼ Within two hours or so,￼ they were sending me back home￼. Looking back I should have screamed ￼￼ from the rooftops that what just happened was so wrong. But I did not think I had any recourse. No nurse is going to risk her job admitting that some asshole doctor said that. ￼ I know that I wouldn’t.￼
And now, here we are today. I know this blog is very hard for people to read￼. Suicide is one of those taboo topics. It comes with so many stigmas behind it.￼ I really believe if we want it to change we have to￼ open dialogue and change the way we look at it. Lives will be saved.￼ If people know that it’s OK to talk about how they’re feeling and what is happening in their lives, they can become empowered.￼ We must take mental health more seriously.￼ These aren’t just feelings you can just “turn off”. You can’t just take a nap and get over it. These are serious issues that we need to address.
I definitely must talk little bit about ￼another huge word associated with suicide which is, selfish. This one is tough. It pisses me off but yet I understand it at the same time. But just who is being selfish? You hear people comment about how could that person be so selfish to hurt their family and friends that way.￼￼￼ I get it, I do. But take a moment and empty your mind and think about this in another way. ￼ You will never completely understand the depths of hell someone is going through. You will never completely understand what it may take that person just to get up in the morning.
For some people it is mental illness that drives￼ them down this road. For others it may be due to chronic illness which has taken away quality-of-life. Should someone, if they do not have quality of life, be forced to live? And it’s not your choice on what you think should be quality of life for someone else. You don’t get to make that call.￼￼
Imagine your worst moment that you’ve ever had in your life and multiply that infinitely. And you still won’t understand what was happening in that person’s mind. You don’t get to judge. I’m going to sound like a broken record but we have to talk about it to save lives! I will say that again, we have to talk about it to save lives!￼￼
I am a full believer in death with dignity if there is a medical need for. And again, that’s not your call to make. That is the person along with their family and their doctor’s call to make.￼ There are so many slippery slopes when it comes to suicide￼. And please don’t come with, so what if people just feel like dying, shouldn’t they be allowed death with dignity as well? Seriously!!! If someone feels they just want to die for shits and giggles, ￼there’s something going on that needs addressing. So open that dialogue and start to help instead of judge.￼ Be the solution and not the problem.
Have courage and be kind…￼￼
This blog is dedicated to everyone I love and anyone ￼that has been touched by suicide. My heart is with you, my love is with you, and I am going to do everything in my power to stay here with you! Thank you for being in my life! ￼🖤