Fear · Hope

What if…

I cannot sleep. Hubby is sleeping peacefully beside me softly breathing. I am sitting here with thoughts flying all over the place. What if  the medication doesn’t work? What if it makes me sick? What if I get the bad side effects? Then back to, what if it doesn’t work? I have waited for so long to find something to help me. I hate my wheelchair, I hate my non-working body. I hate MS!!! What if it doesn’t work? I’m so scared right now. I’m not expecting a miracle as those do not happen to me. I try to remain strong, be positive, keep smiling, hide the real pain. I’m afraid what it will do to my psyche if it doesn’t work. Will I find the inner strength like I always do, or will this be where I finally say no more? What if it doesn’t work and they cannot find anything else for me? What if by the time they do I am too far along in my disease?

This is an overwhelming feeling for me to be so full of fear regarding myself. I usually can put on the happy, silly, sarcastic Tracy face and keep on plugging along. But this, this is a huge breakthrough right now regarding walking for those with MS. I’m not complaining, I’m scared. I have a roof over my head, my hubby has a job, my kids are taken care, so I’m not complaining. I’m just scared.

What if...

It’s almost midnight here and my back is burning in pain, I can’t sleep as way too many thoughts are floating around in my head. My back pain will subside thanks to my meds, so I’m not complaining. I’m just scared.

I want to walk again so bad I can taste it. I know I cannot expect it to happen fully for me as my legs are pretty much useless, but even some strength back would suffice. OK!! Bullshit, I want it all back, but I have to be realistic. I’ll still have the fatigue, degenerative disc disorder, tremors, weakness, migraines, and all the rest of the joy that is MS. Even a little leg strength will help. Right? Then I think will walking even matter? I do not remember how and with my hyper-extended knee will I be able to? Shit, I need to stop over thinking don’t I?

I guess tomorrow, err today is another day…

Blessings and Hope!

12 thoughts on “What if…

  1. Blessings and Hope to you too Ms Tracy. It’s okay to be scared, and to doubt things but it is okay to hope it WILL work too. Like Vicki says, even just slight improvement, anything. Take all it has to give, it cant make it any worse right?

    Melissa (Shady’s Mom)


  2. I can only imagine the thought and feelings that must be running through your heart and mind right now, but don’t let it get to you. I know that’s easier said than done, too. I hope it turns out to be everything you NEED it to be with NO bad side effects. xoxo


  3. My internet went down around 4ish when I was trying to reply to this….Tracy I hope it works, I want it so bad for you. On a good day when I’m able to get out and about I always think of you, with guilt, sadness and hope. Life isn’t fair, and I want you walking…for you, for your kids, for your hubby. Mainly for you. I love you! 😉


    1. Life sucks doesn’t it? At least for us and a few others we know. Talk about needing some breaks. I’m going to put in some requests for all of us so we get a few!!

      I want it so we can do the 90 year old shuffle together!! We’ll get drunk and pick up on young men!! Cougars baby!!

      I love ya back my bff


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