She can hear the laughter and can imagine the smiles on all the faces. It’s a party, a birthday party for her neighbor. She was invited, but she knew she would not go. Not because she did not want to, but because of the chair she could not rise from.
She cried in the shower so no one could see. She is mad, mad at the world. Her wonderful husband feels the brunt of her anger. The old saying, ‘You always hurt the ones you love’, seems to apply. She knows what she is doing, but she can not stop.
She is sad, she is angry. She hears the music next door. She longs to be there. She can’t. She knows they would move things around to allow her in, but she can’t. It is embarrassing, humiliating, to her. She knows no one would care, but she cares. So, she will not go, will never go.
She hides her pain behind her smile, behind her sarcasm. It is not pride as she has no more pride. It is her pain, her pain of remembering how it used to be. She will get through this, she always does. Or does she? She’s not sure.
Pain
Anger
Sadness
Hatred
Envy
She is filled with all of these. Want, the want to walk again. To be able to drive again without fear. To simply stand up without falling to the floor. To be able to hold her bladder. To not have migraines every week. To be able to sit up by herself without help or severe struggles. To not feel guilty for not being able to do things. To not feel pain all over her body. To be whole again. To not be angry. To not be sad. To want to live…
She is insane. Insane because she knows this is her life, but she thinks it will change. She asks over and over, WHY? Insane, because she expects an answer, an answer that will never come.
She…is me. And she wants to live again…
Blessings and Hope!
Making it Through the Rain 
Life sucks. I’ve been wallowing in this muck all day…it’s okay for you to be angry, sad, mad….even envious…I’m right there with you. I want my life back….I know you also wish you could get your life back…it is hard to adjust to “this”…whatever this is in the moment. Pain, anger, sadness…..big (((hugs))) my friend. I ❤ you.
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It does suck! We both need our lives back…in a perfect world!!
I loves ya back!!
huggzz
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You have the right to feel all those things and I wish I could be there for you and with you, then we can have our own little party 🙂 Your In my prayers always. (((Hugz)))
xoxoxo
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TY Frannie!! I am so appreciative of your support!!
hUGGs
xoxo
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Oh my Tracy…. Tears are streaming down my face as I read and reread this.
My heart aches for you, Ruby, for myself, for every person like us who struggles every day to find some normalcy, to cope with the constant changes that create so many challenges for us, as we learn to ‘let go’ of who we thought we were, who we wanted to be…
Never stop ‘raging against disability’, never let the ‘demon’ steal your joy!!!
I love you like a sister… (((Hugs))) oxox
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I think it’s the constant changes in our lives. The progression, the new plateaus, etc.
But, we are strong even through our tears.
loves ya!!
xoxo
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Need to get a box of tissues near my desk..it sucks what you are dealing with..go ahead and scream if you want to, let out that anger and frustration, cry until there are no tears left..it is therapeutic and our right…I am here for you, through thick and thin..please never forget that, my dear friend!
Mary XOXO
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Mary, your words mean the world to me. If it wasn’t for the constant support of amazing people like you, I would never make it!!
TY so much!!
xoxo
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I’m so sorry Tracy! Reading yours and Ruby’s blog helps me so much to understand the pain that my husband goes thru every day… Sometimes I get so caught up in my shit that I forget… I wish so much that I could take the pain you all go thru every day… It really sucks!!!
(((HUGZ)))
Mz. V
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Mz V. TY!! It can be hard on our caregivers as well. My poor hubby deals with my wrath all the time. lol And it ain’t pretty! 😛
xoxo
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As always Tracy, I am impressed with how you take something painful and still manage to express it so beautifully. I hope the act of doing that in itself relieves you of some of the pain.
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Thanks so much!! 🙂
xoxo
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