PAIN · Ramblings

What’s the point?

Tracy

I was talking to my MS counselor yesterday. I was telling her how I feel nothing. Some days I get up and think, ‘What’s the point?’ I wonder why I even bother getting out of bed. Sometimes I don’t. I really hate this feeling. It’s not about poor me, or feel bad for me, it’s just my state of mind. I’m sure with or without a chronic illness some feel this way. Is it depression? Maybe. Is it the time of the year? Maybe. Is it personal issues? Maybe. Is it all of those rolled up into one? Probably. So how do we get through it?

It is very hard, for me, to ask for help. Help of any kind. I’m the type that wants to fix everything. Help [or try to] everyone. It keeps my mind off of me and my issues. It is much easier listening to other people’s issues than talking about my own. Even when I do find someone who wants to listen. Even then I try to make fun of my MS, my falls, my issues with it. When in all actuality, it’s not funny. But laughing at it is what gets me through the hard times. After my last fall, I have been thinking a lot about safety. I am alone much of the time.  And the fear of falling is what keeps me secure in my room all day. I’m too paranoid to venture to far from the safety of my bed. I do keep the phone with me even when I do the walker trip to the potty. I always laugh and think what good the phone will do me if I am unconscious. 😛

So, I am a hermit in my own home, my bedroom. You can tell where I sit all day on my bed by the ‘dip’ in the mattress. 🙂  It is just ‘safer’ for me right now. So, that is why i wonder, ‘What’s the point?’ Why bother waking up at all to just sit in the same spot all day. I know I could get up, and do something, anything. But, lately it is just easier to sit in my ‘dip’ and medicate!

So, will someone please tell me, what’s the point? P lease none of the, ‘well you’re alive’ or ‘it could be worse’. You see, it IS going to get  worse. Just not sure how quickly it will come…

Blessings and hope!

Published by Tracy

A day in the life of a mommy, wife, daughter, sister, aunt and friend with Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis!

10 thoughts on “What’s the point?”

  1. Well I know how you feel to a point … and you are right, none of those “cliches” work. I know that for me, you make me feel more secure in life because of how you help me. Your husband and your children love you, as do I … I hope that gives you some sense of relief … I know nothing I say can make you feel better …. but know that I love you … and am always going to be here for you no matter what … I won’t leave you or betray you …. I love you xx

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  2. Tracy,

    How are you, today?

    I don’t want to sound trite or say anything that you’ve heard only a zillion times before. Yet I think that if you write, write and write some more about your life, your stories, your feelings/relationships–people are interested. Have you ever heard of opensalon.com? go to that site–the writers are lovely and accepting and open to new friendships. (I’m gypsy island girly, by the way, on the site.) I know you’ve got a lot to say and to share with us. Go for it, girly.

    Many Blessings,
    Ruthie

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    1. TY Ruthie. I will definitely check the site out. Most days I feel like who really cares what I say. lol These blogs I do for my sanity. 🙂
      TY again!
      Blessings, Tracy

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  3. Honey,
    I’m with you on this today. My recent issues with Medicare have really made me feel horrible about myself and my disabilities.

    They want me to only use my power chair in the house and because I used it outside, they won’t pay for any repairs, new batteries, tires, etc. for the next 2 years. They’ve told me, effectively, to be a shut-in, that my quality of life within my home is all that concerns them.

    I’ve sat here for two days crying, apologizing to my husband for not being the person he married, for not being able to do the things we once did. I’ve apologized to my son for not being the mom he deserves to have. I’ve been miserable.

    I’m wondering too, what’s the point? What’s the point in trying to fight against the disability, the pain, the limitations and challenges life throws at me? It seems the more I try to do to make positive changes in my life, the more negative effects it has.

    A friend just told me to “think positively, you feel badly because you think negatively”… give me a break!

    I really respect you and the way you honestly share these raw feelings. I don’t feel alone knowing you know how this feels.

    Much Love & Hugs oxox

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    1. I am so sorry they are doing that to you. It is so wrong they can even get away with ‘denying’ a person freedom!

      As for your friend, next time you see him/her, smack them for me!!

      xoxo

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