Category Archives: Pain

March 27, 2011

A Dog Named Patrick…

By Tracy

‎“The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.” -Mahatma Gandhi

—————————–

Starved to the point where he had no temperature then thrown down a garbage chute like yesterday’s trash, this was the life of Patrick. He is an approximately one year old Pit/Mix who was brutally mistreated by his owner.

Animal Cruelty Charges Filed in Case of Brutalized New Jersey Pit Bull

abused and left for dead

But this amazing puppy has more spirit than many humans I know and he held on. He made it through the night to March 17, St. Patrick’s Day, and was given the name Patrick.

these eyes...

If these eyes could talk, most would probably not be able to listen about the torture he went through.

My spirit is strong!

I will fight to help other animals that are abused.

Thank You!!

Please help end this cruelty. Remember, it starts with animals and moves on to the children. Someone who could do this to a living creature, could do this to anyone.

—————————–

“Never believe that animals suffer less than humans. Pain is the same for them that it is for us. Even worse, because they cannot cry for help…” ~ anonymous

Please take a stand!! Sign the petition and help save other animals and make people pay for their crimes. It only takes a minute.

Patrick’s Petition!

Pictures borrowed from Prayers for Patrick edited by me. Click to join this wonderful FB site for Patrick!

xx, Tracy...

 

18 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in anger, HELL, HORROR, Pain, Ramblings, sadness, strength

March 18, 2011

Broken

By Tracy

That simple word is so powerful. Broken, how do you fix it? I’m not sure, but my body is broken. The depression of late is paralyzing along with my MS. Just typing is hard as my hands just want to curl up and go to sleep. My legs have failed me just as my mind is going. My thoughts are scrambled and I cannot find the focus. I’m tried of depending on people, I’m tired of needing help. Dressing myself causes anxiety and pain. I’m so tired of being… tired of being.

Broken like shattered glass on the floor that crunches under your shoes.

Broken...

I do not know how to fix all the breaks. I’m tired, so tired. I’m not strong and I cannot fake it any longer.

24 comments   |  tags: | posted in Fear, lonliness, multiple sclerosis, Pain, Ramblings, RANDOM, sadness

February 8, 2011

Fuuuuuuuuck

By Tracy

I know, great title for my blog. Haven’t blogged in a bit and here it is, in your face…fuuuuuuuuuck!!

You may ask yourself, ‘Why?’ I’ll tell you why. It’s now after 11pm and I wanted to go to sleep. You know, lie down, get comfy, sleep. NOT! After 4 minutes of trying to lie down I gave up. I cannot seem to get my legs up on the bed. I get one up the other slides off. I pull on my jammie pants leg and my hand cannot hold on or lift my leg. Now I could scream for someone to help me, but they are all asleep and have to get up early for work and school. Hubby is on the pullout sofa as he snores so bad he wakes me up all night. So, I’m sitting here with tears rolling gently down my face as sleep is not coming yet. Even if I get my legs into the bed it take me forever to get into a position comfortable for sleep. Once I lie down I have to pull each leg up in a bent position or my lower back hurts. As it is, if I do not sit in the right spot before I try all of this, I may end up too high or too low on the bed. I am not able to ‘scooch’ into a comfy position. I get one shot. I guess I’m lucky, as once I do finally get comfortable I’m ready for sleep, as doing this easy task takes all of my spoons. Just getting into bed is a fucking chore and it pisses me off. It’s not fucking fair!!!!!! And don’t tell me it could be worse!! It’s going to get worse so shut your mouth. And don’t tell me it could be worse, it could be cancer… this IS my Cancer!!! It has and will continue to take my life from me. Just in a slower mode.

February 8th, marks the 2007 death of my MS partner in crime, Tina Richardson. Her progressive MS killed her. She got caught between a heavy power chair and bathtub and slowly suffocated to death, alone and I’m sure frightened. She could not move and could not scream. So, do not tell me no one dies from MS. They do every fucking day. If she had not had MS she would not have been in that position. I know others that have passed away due to pneumonia from being immobile and the MS basically killed their lungs. Tina was only 40 years old and my friend and I miss her every day. So fuck you and your,’it could be worse!’

As of this moment, it’s only going to get worse for me and I’m petrified. I am in a wheelchair 24/7. I am tired, fatigued 24/7. I run on fumes every day and try to be funny and crack jokes. I hide behind a smile and most days I wish it would all just end. I have pain 24/7, incontinent at 46 years young. Migraines, weight gain, unable to do the simplest tasks. The next time you feel the need to bitch about running errands, doing the dishes… be glad you can run errands and have the strength to do the dishes. I would trade you in a hot second to be able to do all those annoying tiresome chores. The next time you take a shower, thank your God you can. Even taking a shower is a chore for me and after I usually need to sleep as there goes some more spoons.

I try to keep the pain to myself, me feelings, my MS. This is my blog, and you can read or not. Tonight, all the lil things going on in my life, and then the tip of the iceberg,  not being able to just get into bed, hit me all at once and hard. Seven months, still no bathroom finished, haven’t even seen them in over 2 months. Promises to here then no show, no call. Losing more leg movement and the list goes on… depression has hit and it has hit me hard. Will I make it through this one… Hell yes! I always do. I’ll find my inner strength and pull my boot straps back up and move on. But, now and then I need to let go, and let the idiots know to watch what they say. God help them if they ever had to deal with a real illness… my comment to them will be, “Hey asshole, it could be worse, you could have MS!!!”

 

xx, Tracy...

 

 

16 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in anger, bathroom, Darkness, Depression, HELL, multiple sclerosis, Pain, Ramblings, RANDOM, sadness, sarcasm

August 9, 2010

Out of sorts!

By Tracy

Do you ever have those days when you know you have something to do or need to do something but just can’t find the oomph? I’m there. The past few days had been not the best MS days and kind of overly fatigued. I know it will pass, but I want it to pass like yesterday.

My bff aka sister form another mister contacted me to let me know her mama [who I think of as a mom] is not doing well and her Cancer has returned with a vengeance. I’m so numb and cannot imagine what my bff is going through.  Mama Jo is one one the finest ladies I have ever known. My mom lived far away and she was like my surrogate mom. She took me in as one of her own. I want to be able to be there for my girl and mama Jo, but this damn MS keeps me immobile. I should be in the car driving out there to be with Liz and flying back with her if needed. I can’t and I feel helpless. No matter what went on in her life she always had a smile for others and a kind word. Please keep them all in your thoughts, prayers, blessings, whatever it is you do. If there ever needed to be a miracle, it should be for her.

it could happen!!

I just hope they can control her pain so she doesn’t suffer at all. She is one the strongest women you will ever meet, a fighter. I love you mama Jo!!

So, ya, it’s been one of those days. Can’t seem to function. Please keep Liz, Will, and Ted in your thoughts, prayers and/or blessings as well. Her children love her so!

Blessings and Hope!

8 comments | posted in family, health, love, Pain, sadness

July 26, 2010

Pain sucks!

By Tracy

Took my Ampyra at my 7pm time. I actually went to sleep at 10pm which is early for me. At 12:30 am I’m up. Hubby is snoring as he did not put the Snore EX mouthpiece in. I can hear the girls in the front room watching tv and camping out. I’m becoming quite irritated at all sounds I am hearing. I keep rolling hubby over and asking him to put the mouthpiece in. I get a sleepy ‘ok’… and he rolls back over and snores. After about an hour of this I get a bit more ‘aggressive’. Put the fucking mouthpiece in or I am going to smack ya over the head. SUCCESS!! He finally gets it and all is quiet. I’m lying there, completely exhausted, but unable to find sleep.

2 am… pain in my calves. I am used to pain in my legs but nothing like this. It felt as if someone had my calves in a vice tightening it more and more.

Insert calf and tighten

It’s now 2:30 am and I’m deciding if I should pop a Norco or not. The problem with Norco is it kills my stomach if I do not sit up after taking it for at least a half an hour. So that’s out. I do not know when sleep finally came, but the next thing I know my cell alarm is going off at 7 am. Ampyra time! I then read about the side effects for the nth time:

———————————-

seizure (convulsions);

pain or burning when you urinate;

problems with balance; typical for me

numbness, burning pain, or tingly feeling; GREAT

relapse or worsening of MS symptoms;

Less serious Ampyra side effects may include:

    headache, dizziness; have this

    sleep problems (insomnia); DOH

    nausea, constipation, upset stomach; umm hmm

    weakness; uh MS doh

    back pain; Degenerative disc disorder

    stuffy nose, sinus pain, sore throat;  coughing at night

    mild skin itching.  GREAT

    —————————————

    When I read this I have to laugh. MS already does most of this all by itself. So whose to know if it’s MS or the Ampyra. I know the leg pain is the Ampyra as I have never hurt so bad in my calves before. My dizziness has worsened, and my throat is bugging me more than normal. Above, in red, are what is happening.  With most medications, side effects do lessen with time. *knock wood* So, I will remain on it for a few weeks hoping I can get used to it all and that it will lessen with time.

    aarrrghhhhhhhh…

    Blessings and Hope!

8 comments   |  tags: , , , | posted in medications, multiple sclerosis, Pain, Ramblings, RANDOM

June 5, 2010

Epiphany? Wicked wake up call…

By Tracy

It all started with an email from my hubby that had me in tears. I knew it was time to take it, my life, back from my illness[s]. He is suffering emotionally and physically due to my illness. I finally realized that once upon a time, I said I would not let my disease[s] take me over. I realize now, I have done just that. I have literally stopped trying and have been letting it all take me away from me. Almost like I am laying down to die. The ‘why bother’, the ‘who cares anyway’. This person is NOT me! I am and have always been a fighter. I do not give up on things. It may take me a bit to finish certain things in my life, but I will finish them in the end. I am no quitter.

I have Primary Progressive MS, spastic colon, incontinence, degenerative disc disorder, prone to anxiety attacks, depression [sometimes severe], esophagus issues, pain, tremors, and too many little things that come with all this to mention. BUT, I can work with some of these. Food is my biggest enemy. Gluten, soy, dairy, certain veges and seed items are bad for Autoimmune disorders. They can cause terrible problems for me. Processed foods, and fake sugars and fake fats are bad as well. I know this and almost 2 years ago I changed my lifestyle and cut out the crap foods and learned to eat the right way. No supplement drinks, pills, or ‘fake’ foods. I lost over 20 pounds and felt great. No, it did not make me walk again, no it did not cure me, but it sure helped my overall emotional self. My stomach issues all about disappeared.  My fatigue lessened. I still had my not so great days, bu they were much fewer.

So WTF happened?? I gave up. I gave in. I got down one day and let it take me over and went back to my old habits. Gained the weight back and all the good things that happened faded. I could not find my way back. Now, I am  not saying this was a bad thing or even that I won’t have bad days again. I am saying that I am going to work at getting ME back. Fighting this wicked disease that has crippled me and do everything I can TO find my way back.

And it all began from the email from my  hubby. He loves me, completely and true. But, he started losing himself. Sadness and fear overtook him. The worry for me was killing him. I was letting my disease kill me slowly. I was not seeing what it was doing to him and my children. I was lost in my MS. I knew as I read that letter that I needed to take a stand against my MS. I got up and got my ass over to me motorized pedaler and got to work. I lifted my small weights and am slowly getting back to eating the way humans are supposed to eat. Not the way the BS food industry says we should eat. They do not care about us, they care about selling shit food to us and making money off of us. NO more.

Will I slip? Will I have bad days ahead? Will I lose myself again? Maybe! But that’s ok. It’s all about baby steps.

Baby steps here…

to be continued…

30 comments   |  tags: , , | posted in anger, Darkness, Depression, Fear, hope, love, multiple sclerosis, Pain, Paleolithic Diet, Ramblings

May 24, 2010

Priceless

By Tracy

Accessible Van – 31,000.00

Power Chair – 4600.00

Bed Table – 79.99

Feeling ‘like a burden’…..Priceless

I'm sorry...

9 comments   |  tags: , , | posted in Darkness, Depression, lonliness, mindless-thoughts, Pain, Ramblings, sadness

April 26, 2010

May I have some cheese with my Whine? Whiny Bitch alert!

By Tracy

Will you call the whaaaaambulance? How about some whhaaburgers and some french cries with a Mountain Boo Hoo!!

This be me…

Finally got rid of a two day migraine. A couple Ibuprofen for the pain, Benadryl to help me sleep, and coffee when I finally woke up this afternoon. Relief… for a lil bit anyways!!

Now my friggen right side of my jaw is in so much pain I cannot think straight. Is it my teeth? Maybe. Could it be a jaw issue? Maybe. I do not want to go to the dentist. I floss 2-5 times a day and brush twice day. WTF!! It’s probably thanks to all the amazing medications thanks to my MS causing my teeth issues. The dentist told me before, it can happen that way. Again I say…WTF!! Really?? One pain goes away and an even more agonizing pain starts. I almost squeezed a whole thing of Orajel on the right side of my mouth. When will the insanity stop, or at least cut me a fucking break??

How much am I, or anyone else for that matter, supposed to take. Please do not quote anything to me either. I think I have had my share of pain, my share of sadness, my share of shit. People tell me, ‘ You’re never given more than you can handle!’ Bullshit, that ended about 3+ years ago when a chair became my only means of ‘walking’.  I cannot take anymore, take it back, I do not fucking want it.

So, now it is probably root canal time. Really…am I going to miraculously get the money for it?? Don’t think so. So, I will just have to deal with the pain for awhile.

Please do not tell me it could be worse. As it does get worse every day. Funny thing is, no one with disabilities or illness’ ever say that, it’s the ‘healthies’ that do. So I say to them, ‘It could be worse!” But I hope for them it does not become worse.

Ok, I am off my ‘Whiny Bitch’ soap box….for now!!

Blessings and Hope!

24 comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in anger, healthcare, Pain, Ramblings, Religion

March 14, 2010

Wanting me to be real…

By Tracy

WARNING!!!! “F” bomb alert!!

So for many years I hid my pain in jokes, sarcasm and laughter. It was easier for me and less upsetting for those around me. So many people told me, “Be Real” “Tell the truth about your pain” “Ask for help”…

So, in the past year or so I tried this route only to have it thrown back in my face. Now, when I show my pain, being real, I’m told it’s for sympathy, poor me shit. REALLY! Fuck off please. I have never asked for anyone’s pity, sympathy or the poor me pour me a drink bullshit! Yet for years I listened to others pain and tried to help in any way I could. Now I’m the bad person. Again I say Fuck off please.

Then I got the, I’ll show people the real you, I’ll copy and paste emails. Really, go ahead doctor up your emails. you are the only one that will look like a childish buffoon. As for the ‘people’ who talk the shit and tell the lies…come forward, say it to me. But no, you just block me as you know damn well I will say it to your face, no need to lie or go behind any ones back. That’s all of your jobs. And for those who talked all the shit to this person, de-friend me, block, stay the fuck away from me. You are liars and pathetic. So, you all deserve one another. And if it’s who I think it all is, stop emailing me as well with your BS about this said person. Just leave me the fuck alone. Get rid of my email, my phone numbers etc., oh and grow the FUCK up! You all know who you are and you all know the ‘real’ truth.

I truly hate being this person, this angry person. And after this, hopefully these 2 faced ignorant assholes will back the fuck off and move on. I have not changed and am the same person I have always been. Love me or leave me. Ask me a question and I will tell you the truth.

I am sorry for those reading this and seeing me being this angry person, but I am so tired of being certain people’s punching bag. I have enough of my own problems, health and otherwise, so it is time this was said. I will not allow any of you to hurt me and cause me to become ill due to all the stress. And if you feel the need to comment here again, it won’t come through. If any of ya feel the need to email me, it won’t be read. So don’t waste your time or energy. Just FUCK off please.

I know the person I am and the friend I am, maybe you should look in the mirror and figure out who you are. Remember each time you point your little finger at me there are 3 pointing back at you.

I pray for you and hope that one day you will find the happiness and peace you need. I have my peace and my happiness in my family and my real friends. So really there is no need for you or room for you anymore.

When it all falls apart…I won’t be here next time. Once bitten, twice shy!!

And now I am done and will be back to my REAL self free from the toxic people that have no place in my world!

****************

Blessings and Hope!!

Damn it feels good to purge!!!

28 comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in anger, HELL, Pain, sadness, SoapBox

March 13, 2010

Randomosity!!

By Tracy

So, last weekend I went to Wally World. Got all ready, put on clothes, took a Valium and we went shopping. After a bit, the fear set in. I felt like everyone was looking at me, I was getting warm, heart beating fast, not so much fun. So, it was, “We have to go and go now!!!” Didn’t get all I had gone for, but got most of the necessities. Then my guilt set in as we still needed to go to Sam’s Club. Once we got back into the van I told Rog to get me a coffee, and I’d take another Valium and veg in the van so he could shop in Sam’s. I did not feel right making him take me all the way home and then have to go back again in the pouring rain. We got my coffee, I took my pill, and sat back in my recliner wheel-chariot listening and watching the rain. I got a lil agitated so called my Laurie girl. She has a very calming affect on me. I think it’s her cute Texas twang! lol

Today though, not feeling like leaving my home. I was going to go get all ready, but then an not so good twinge came over me. So, Rog just went to Sam’s and here I am being a huge baby. I feel so weak right now, and I am not weak at all. So it’s a strange feeling/emotion for me.

My birthday, yesterday, was nice and quiet. Just he way I like it. I am now 45/1. lol All the birthday wishes I received really made my day. I have some amazing people in my life, and am very blessed by that.

It makes you reflect on friends present, past, and lost. I lost a friend due to lies, manipulation, whatever you want to call it this past week. I miss her and will always miss her, but once bitten, twice shy. [second time being thrown away by her from listening to others lies] The last time my heart broke for days, I cried all the time. This time I will not do that again. I reached out to her by email, but no reply. She will always be in my heart and I hope she never has to feel the pain she has caused me. But, knowing those I think she is listening to, she will. Ce la Vie! I wish her all the happiness in the world and the love she deserves!

losing friends is hard

As for me…I am going to set my mind on getting some new things on my site. There will be a new section for ‘recycles’. Things I find and no longer need or use that others might. Prices will be good, so I am hoping someone can use these items.

I also would like to plug my friend Heather’s site, Studio FM , if you are looking for amazing one-of-a-kind jewelry, look no further. You will glad you stopped in. I’m not only a fan, but a buyer as well!!

Hoping you all have a fabulous weekend!!

Blessings and Hope!

8 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in friendship, hope, mindless-thoughts, Pain, RANDOM, sadness, shopping

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