Obviously I’ve had a crappy time lately. DOH! 
So this morning i pulled my ‘big girl’ panties on… really I did. Wouldn’t you know it I get the headache from Hell and my back is killing me. [had a little fall] Seriously!! Makes me wonder what the fuck I did in a previous life! rofl
It's really not...
And now, to top it off, INSOMNIA yet again. So off to take some meds [yeehaw] and hopefully sleep will come… eventually!!
Peace out!
Over twelve years ago we brought Sadie into our home. I was in a Petco looking for kitty litter and there she was. She was being adopted out. They said she was around two and had been found dumped way out in the desert. She was a skinny, goofy looking lil girl. She reminded me of a newborn foal with long skinny legs and huge paws. She had Shepard, Chow and Chesapeake Retriever in her. [heinz 57 I say] She fit in our family like a glove. Over night she grew up into an 80 pound big girl. She was our protector and our friend.
Sadie loved being outside and would sit in the middle of the lawn in the pouring rain or the 100 degree heat. She was the pack leader.
What I will remember most about her, is that she was gentle and a big love bug. She was and will always be close to my heart. She will be coming home again to sit next to Beau and Emmy on my mantle.
She is now free and no longer in pain. She can run again and I’m sure she is already chasing Beau. I know he met her at the bridge. She is forever young again.
We love you Sadie and miss you so very much. You will be forever in our hearts…
RIP sweet girl!
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Rainbow Bridge
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. Their bright eyes are intent; Their eager body quivers. Suddenly he/she begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, their legs carrying him/her faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together….
Author unknown…
As I started my new treatment this issue came in to play. On August 23, 2011 I had my first infusion of Tysabri.
My very own Tysabri bag
My very own arm!
One major side effect is Progressive multifocal leukoencephalopathy (PML), which may cause death. This medication suppresses my over active immune system due to my progressive MS, which can lead to this viral infection. I will be monitored for medicinal hepatitis [liver damage] and UTI’s. Now that my system will be suppressed I am more prone to getting other issues.
When getting ready for my appointment we [hubby and I] discussed the possibility of PML. When Roger looked at me and said that this way I can get my wish, to die, I sat open mouthed. I have stated, when in depression, that death is freedom and sometimes I do not want to wake up in the morning, I guess he took it literally. With tears welling up in my eyes I explained that I do NOT WANT to die, I just want the pain to go away. I want to walk again, to be able to hold my bladder, to be able to go out in to the sun, to be able to drive, to not have mental and physical pain… I want to play with my kids!! I will be honest… there are days I do not want to be here anymore. Unless you suffer from a serious chronic illness it is hard to grasp. But, in all actuality, I do not want to die. I just want my life back, a quality of life back.
I’m not even asking for much from this medication. I just want to be able to drive again and hold that bitch of a bladder! I’m not expecting much, as when I do my hopes are always dashed, so I am just waiting. It’s all I can do. I’ll keep fighting until my strength is gone. I need to be here to annoy my kids for a long time to come. It’s what I live for! lol
I will now go once a month for the two hour infusion. They [who the hell are they] say it can take 6 months to a year to see a difference. I’ve waited this long, so what’s another year or so. My problem is when I want something, I want it now. MS has certainly taught me patience… for the most part! [I try, really I do]
A new adventure is happening, and as always, I will go in head first! Wish me luck!
Love and Light!
“The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.” -Mahatma Gandhi
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Starved to the point where he had no temperature then thrown down a garbage chute like yesterday’s trash, this was the life of Patrick. He is an approximately one year old Pit/Mix who was brutally mistreated by his owner.
Animal Cruelty Charges Filed in Case of Brutalized New Jersey Pit Bull
abused and left for dead
But this amazing puppy has more spirit than many humans I know and he held on. He made it through the night to March 17, St. Patrick’s Day, and was given the name Patrick.
these eyes...
If these eyes could talk, most would probably not be able to listen about the torture he went through.
My spirit is strong!
I will fight to help other animals that are abused.
Thank You!!
Please help end this cruelty. Remember, it starts with animals and moves on to the children. Someone who could do this to a living creature, could do this to anyone.
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“Never believe that animals suffer less than humans. Pain is the same for them that it is for us. Even worse, because they cannot cry for help…” ~ anonymous
Please take a stand!! Sign the petition and help save other animals and make people pay for their crimes. It only takes a minute.
Pictures borrowed from Prayers for Patrick edited by me. Click to join this wonderful FB site for Patrick!
xx, Tracy...
That simple word is so powerful. Broken, how do you fix it? I’m not sure, but my body is broken. The depression of late is paralyzing along with my MS. Just typing is hard as my hands just want to curl up and go to sleep. My legs have failed me just as my mind is going. My thoughts are scrambled and I cannot find the focus. I’m tried of depending on people, I’m tired of needing help. Dressing myself causes anxiety and pain. I’m so tired of being… tired of being.
Broken like shattered glass on the floor that crunches under your shoes.
Broken...
I do not know how to fix all the breaks. I’m tired, so tired. I’m not strong and I cannot fake it any longer.
I know, great title for my blog. Haven’t blogged in a bit and here it is, in your face…fuuuuuuuuuck!!
You may ask yourself, ‘Why?’ I’ll tell you why. It’s now after 11pm and I wanted to go to sleep. You know, lie down, get comfy, sleep. NOT! After 4 minutes of trying to lie down I gave up. I cannot seem to get my legs up on the bed. I get one up the other slides off. I pull on my jammie pants leg and my hand cannot hold on or lift my leg. Now I could scream for someone to help me, but they are all asleep and have to get up early for work and school. Hubby is on the pullout sofa as he snores so bad he wakes me up all night. So, I’m sitting here with tears rolling gently down my face as sleep is not coming yet. Even if I get my legs into the bed it take me forever to get into a position comfortable for sleep. Once I lie down I have to pull each leg up in a bent position or my lower back hurts. As it is, if I do not sit in the right spot before I try all of this, I may end up too high or too low on the bed. I am not able to ‘scooch’ into a comfy position. I get one shot. I guess I’m lucky, as once I do finally get comfortable I’m ready for sleep, as doing this easy task takes all of my spoons. Just getting into bed is a fucking chore and it pisses me off. It’s not fucking fair!!!!!! And don’t tell me it could be worse!! It’s going to get worse so shut your mouth. And don’t tell me it could be worse, it could be cancer… this IS my Cancer!!! It has and will continue to take my life from me. Just in a slower mode.
February 8th, marks the 2007 death of my MS partner in crime, Tina Richardson. Her progressive MS killed her. She got caught between a heavy power chair and bathtub and slowly suffocated to death, alone and I’m sure frightened. She could not move and could not scream. So, do not tell me no one dies from MS. They do every fucking day. If she had not had MS she would not have been in that position. I know others that have passed away due to pneumonia from being immobile and the MS basically killed their lungs. Tina was only 40 years old and my friend and I miss her every day. So fuck you and your,’it could be worse!’
As of this moment, it’s only going to get worse for me and I’m petrified. I am in a wheelchair 24/7. I am tired, fatigued 24/7. I run on fumes every day and try to be funny and crack jokes. I hide behind a smile and most days I wish it would all just end. I have pain 24/7, incontinent at 46 years young. Migraines, weight gain, unable to do the simplest tasks. The next time you feel the need to bitch about running errands, doing the dishes… be glad you can run errands and have the strength to do the dishes. I would trade you in a hot second to be able to do all those annoying tiresome chores. The next time you take a shower, thank your God you can. Even taking a shower is a chore for me and after I usually need to sleep as there goes some more spoons.
I try to keep the pain to myself, me feelings, my MS. This is my blog, and you can read or not. Tonight, all the lil things going on in my life, and then the tip of the iceberg, not being able to just get into bed, hit me all at once and hard. Seven months, still no bathroom finished, haven’t even seen them in over 2 months. Promises to here then no show, no call. Losing more leg movement and the list goes on… depression has hit and it has hit me hard. Will I make it through this one… Hell yes! I always do. I’ll find my inner strength and pull my boot straps back up and move on. But, now and then I need to let go, and let the idiots know to watch what they say. God help them if they ever had to deal with a real illness… my comment to them will be, “Hey asshole, it could be worse, you could have MS!!!”
xx, Tracy...
Do you ever have those days when you know you have something to do or need to do something but just can’t find the oomph? I’m there. The past few days had been not the best MS days and kind of overly fatigued. I know it will pass, but I want it to pass like yesterday.
My bff aka sister form another mister contacted me to let me know her mama [who I think of as a mom] is not doing well and her Cancer has returned with a vengeance. I’m so numb and cannot imagine what my bff is going through. Mama Jo is one one the finest ladies I have ever known. My mom lived far away and she was like my surrogate mom. She took me in as one of her own. I want to be able to be there for my girl and mama Jo, but this damn MS keeps me immobile. I should be in the car driving out there to be with Liz and flying back with her if needed. I can’t and I feel helpless. No matter what went on in her life she always had a smile for others and a kind word. Please keep them all in your thoughts, prayers, blessings, whatever it is you do. If there ever needed to be a miracle, it should be for her.
it could happen!!
I just hope they can control her pain so she doesn’t suffer at all. She is one the strongest women you will ever meet, a fighter. I love you mama Jo!!
So, ya, it’s been one of those days. Can’t seem to function. Please keep Liz, Will, and Ted in your thoughts, prayers and/or blessings as well. Her children love her so!
Blessings and Hope!
Took my Ampyra at my 7pm time. I actually went to sleep at 10pm which is early for me. At 12:30 am I’m up. Hubby is snoring as he did not put the Snore EX mouthpiece in. I can hear the girls in the front room watching tv and camping out. I’m becoming quite irritated at all sounds I am hearing. I keep rolling hubby over and asking him to put the mouthpiece in. I get a sleepy ‘ok’… and he rolls back over and snores. After about an hour of this I get a bit more ‘aggressive’. Put the fucking mouthpiece in or I am going to smack ya over the head. SUCCESS!! He finally gets it and all is quiet. I’m lying there, completely exhausted, but unable to find sleep.
2 am… pain in my calves. I am used to pain in my legs but nothing like this. It felt as if someone had my calves in a vice tightening it more and more.
Insert calf and tighten
It’s now 2:30 am and I’m deciding if I should pop a Norco or not. The problem with Norco is it kills my stomach if I do not sit up after taking it for at least a half an hour. So that’s out. I do not know when sleep finally came, but the next thing I know my cell alarm is going off at 7 am. Ampyra time! I then read about the side effects for the nth time:
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seizure (convulsions);
pain or burning when you urinate;
problems with balance; typical for me
numbness, burning pain, or tingly feeling; GREAT
relapse or worsening of MS symptoms;
Less serious Ampyra side effects may include:
sleep problems (insomnia); DOH
nausea, constipation, upset stomach; umm hmm
weakness; uh MS doh
back pain; Degenerative disc disorder
stuffy nose, sinus pain, sore throat; coughing at night
mild skin itching. GREAT
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When I read this I have to laugh. MS already does most of this all by itself. So whose to know if it’s MS or the Ampyra. I know the leg pain is the Ampyra as I have never hurt so bad in my calves before. My dizziness has worsened, and my throat is bugging me more than normal. Above, in red, are what is happening. With most medications, side effects do lessen with time. *knock wood* So, I will remain on it for a few weeks hoping I can get used to it all and that it will lessen with time.
aarrrghhhhhhhh…
Blessings and Hope!
It all started with an email from my hubby that had me in tears. I knew it was time to take it, my life, back from my illness[s]. He is suffering emotionally and physically due to my illness. I finally realized that once upon a time, I said I would not let my disease[s] take me over. I realize now, I have done just that. I have literally stopped trying and have been letting it all take me away from me. Almost like I am laying down to die. The ‘why bother’, the ‘who cares anyway’. This person is NOT me! I am and have always been a fighter. I do not give up on things. It may take me a bit to finish certain things in my life, but I will finish them in the end. I am no quitter.
I have Primary Progressive MS, spastic colon, incontinence, degenerative disc disorder, prone to anxiety attacks, depression [sometimes severe], esophagus issues, pain, tremors, and too many little things that come with all this to mention. BUT, I can work with some of these. Food is my biggest enemy. Gluten, soy, dairy, certain veges and seed items are bad for Autoimmune disorders. They can cause terrible problems for me. Processed foods, and fake sugars and fake fats are bad as well. I know this and almost 2 years ago I changed my lifestyle and cut out the crap foods and learned to eat the right way. No supplement drinks, pills, or ‘fake’ foods. I lost over 20 pounds and felt great. No, it did not make me walk again, no it did not cure me, but it sure helped my overall emotional self. My stomach issues all about disappeared. My fatigue lessened. I still had my not so great days, bu they were much fewer.
So WTF happened?? I gave up. I gave in. I got down one day and let it take me over and went back to my old habits. Gained the weight back and all the good things that happened faded. I could not find my way back. Now, I am not saying this was a bad thing or even that I won’t have bad days again. I am saying that I am going to work at getting ME back. Fighting this wicked disease that has crippled me and do everything I can TO find my way back.
And it all began from the email from my hubby. He loves me, completely and true. But, he started losing himself. Sadness and fear overtook him. The worry for me was killing him. I was letting my disease kill me slowly. I was not seeing what it was doing to him and my children. I was lost in my MS. I knew as I read that letter that I needed to take a stand against my MS. I got up and got my ass over to me motorized pedaler and got to work. I lifted my small weights and am slowly getting back to eating the way humans are supposed to eat. Not the way the BS food industry says we should eat. They do not care about us, they care about selling shit food to us and making money off of us. NO more.
Will I slip? Will I have bad days ahead? Will I lose myself again? Maybe! But that’s ok. It’s all about baby steps.
Baby steps here…
to be continued…
Accessible Van – 31,000.00
Power Chair – 4600.00
Bed Table – 79.99
Feeling ‘like a burden’…..Priceless
I'm sorry...
When the world says, “Give up.” Hope whispers, “Try it one more time!”
