Category Archives: Pain

Down but NEVER out…

Was hoping today would be better. The legs are better, no swelling. Sadly woke up this morning and had nothing. Couldn’t hardly move a muscle. Took me some time, but finally got my tush transferred to my chair. Now, I’m a skeered to try and transfer back to my bed. Falling is always a fear. I’ll eventually muster up the strength to get back in to my bed. I’ll never quit trying, mainly due the fact this chair is hurting my ass. :-P  Wish me luck!

hehe

Fuuuuuck, I’m so bored!!!

I’ll leave you with one of my favorite Quotes;

When the World says, “Give up.” Hope whispers, “Try it one more time!” – anonymous

I will always keep trying! Peace out! xx, Tracy


Another Med Bites the Dust… Hey Hey!

Figures, right? Another med bites the dust. I was really beginning to think this one may be the one. Not so much, My liver count went up more, 3rd month in a row, so now the Tysabri will stop. Wonder when the next miracle drug will come out? **insert sarcasm…

figures…

Why I tried it in the first place is beyond me. It’s mainly for RRMS [relapsing-remitting] not for PPMS [primary-progressive]. That’ll teach me to think a new med will work for me. Now we’ll see what the new game plan is; new med, try it again later. I have taught myself NEVER to get my hopes up, sadly this time I did not listen. I feel like I’m mourning a death of some kind. The death of a new beginning? I don’t know… Hopefully if I try another ‘miracle’ drug it will utilize my port. roflmao Now what… do I have it removed, keep it in just in case? Again, I don’t know. Not sure how many more medication let-downs my heart can take. It’s been six thus far. Fuuuuuuuuck, fuck, fuck!!

Not quite sure what to do with myself… hmmm my bed looks comfy…

Peace out! xx


Did anyone get the number of the bus that hit me?

Wow, that’s what I feel like right now. Legs swelling, migraines, tingly all over my arms. This is the price I pay for doing what I love; making jewelry. Seriously…

When I make my jewelry I sit for hours at my design table in the front. Long periods of sitting wreak havoc on my body. I know, must sound strange since I live my life in a wheel-chariot. The difference is, when not making jewelry, I switch positions a lot. Lie in my bed legs elevated, switch to my chair for a bit then back in bed. Now, I know I could take breaks, but once I get in the ‘mood’ nothing can break me away from my table. I can’t start something without finishing it. Type A here people! Being ill didn’t change that, just makes it harder for me.

I was making things non-stop from Tuesday thru Friday. Friday night it started. My left leg looked like a watermelon and my right arm and shoulder pain brought me to tears. Thank God for Norco and Soma! ;-) No real sleep that night and Saturday was not much better. Did a few things then hubby said enough. I knew I must have felt bad as I never listen to the hubby! lol Sunday the arm/shoulder pain was gone [phew], but the fucking migraine would not go away!! Spent the day in my bed, legs elevated, and highly medicated. Got in trouble as I have to get on the net, even if it’s just for a few, to post and share animals in need. Hubby knows not to tell me no to that! :-P

Well, here’s Monday… Supposed to go for my 9th Tysabri infusion. Legs still have swelling, migraine still lingering and arm tingles came back. Now waiting to see if my liver count is ok to continue the Tysabri. Hopefully they’ll call me back. As it stands I go Friday I’ll find out. JOY!

BUT…

Did get some new things going on in my shop, so it’s not all bad!

A few examples below!

Butterfly Cameo Necklace

Red Awareness Cell/Purse Charm

Well peeps, back off to my bed!! Hope everyone is doing well!!

Peace out!! xx


No Walk for the Wicked… err, Roll!

I know I know, you’re all dying to know if i made the walk.. Well, by my title, nope!

My legs are swelling so much and the pain is seeping in. Been lying in my bed with my legs elevated and watching Grimm on DVR. Roger and Shelby went to the walk, which makes me feel better. I’ll get my t-shirt!! ;-) Hoping they get some good photos I can share of my fabulous team, Tracy’s MSkateer’s!

I know I’ve been kind of a bummer in a couple of my blogs… don’t mean to be. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed I can’t shake the blues off of my shoulders. Believe me, I fight them every day. On the up side, even when I’m down… I’ll never stay down for too long!

Truth!

I’m lucky, as no matter how bad it gets I have the best support system behind me. My family and friends rock and always make me smile no matter how hard the tears are falling. That, in itself, makes me one of the luckiest people in the World! Now if only I could win the Lotto! :-P

Love and Light, Tracy


Where is the rock for me to crawl under?

I’ve been trying so hard to get out out of  the ‘whatever’ mood I’m in. I’ve been blogging [duh], updating my jewelry shop[s], tweeting and pinning like a mad woman… but I just can’t seem to shake the blahs. I just wanna crawl under a rock!

hiding...

Tomorrow is the MSWalk2012 and I’m so not feeling it. My legs have not been cooperating. Even being in a wheel-chariot all the time the legs have issues. I’ve been getting the shakes, and from sitting all the time, serious ankle swelling. Not liking ‘kankles’!! :-P Kind of sucks when you have to sit and then you get issues from it. **SMH** It hurts when the legs swell and embarrassing when they just start shaking all over the place. Hubby calls it ‘the rhythm’ and always asks if I wanna dance! Dork! lol I’m fighting between dealing with pain and embarrassment, to the guilt feeling of not going. My team, Tracy’sMSkateers are the best. They had a big ole bake sale at NBC/Universal yesterday to raise money for our team. Think they raised over 1000.00!! Woot Woot! I feel like if I don’t go I’m letting them down. I really want to go, but really not a fan of pain. I even bought a cute orange shirt for the walk…

I’m going to confess something I have not really touched on in the past. I hate me! I really do not like going out in to public due to the all the weight I have gained since being in my wheel-chariot. I was once tall [6'] and skinny. Now I’m short [4'4" in my wheel-chariot] and huge. I have gained almost 60 pounds and I hate the way I look. I try to keep away from mirrors as I get depressed. I will take responsibility that I sometimes eat what I shouldn’t, but most days I eat right. It’s so hard to lose weight when you are immobile. I’m embarrassed by my weight, and prefer hiding out at home. I know the extra weight is not helping my MS either. It truly has nothing to do with what others think… it’s all about what I think. So in a nutshell… I hate what I have become.

xx, Tracy...


The Face of Dog Fighting!!

This is Nathan.

the face of dog dog fighting

This is from toanimalrescue

04.10.12 NATHAN…this is what a victim of dog fighting looks like. Just picked up from the FW shelter and on the way to the vet. We are full , full, full but we could NOT turn away from this dog. So we will be asking for all the help we can get. Here is my update to the shelter posting: Judy Obregon from TAO rescue has picked up this dog and he is currently on the way to the vet. She has named the dog Nathan and she will be updating soon, but now transport to the vet and vet attention takes priority. His condition is shocking, Judy says he looks to have lost a nostril . We are asking for pledges to be honored and donations to be made to him either on the TAO wall donation button,which is at the top of the page. www.facebook.com/taoanimalrescue Initially, we requested that donations can be made directly to the vet but his office has now been inundated with calls asking about his condition, but few donations so the vet has now asked that donations be made directly to us or mailed to him. Let us know if you need his mailing address.. Please keep in mind that he may need to see another vet for surgical repair . Thank you.

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Nathan didn’t make it through surgery.

RIP Nathan, I’m so sorry the humans did this to you!

Does this make you angry? Does it make you care? Does it make you sick to your stomach???? GOOD, I hope it does!! Wake up World and help put an end to Dog Fighting!! We NEED to take a stand.

If you know this is going on near you, call the authorities! Turn the sick, small minded, weak, cowardice, psychopaths in and make them pay for this horrific crime!!! The laws need to change. The monsters need to do serious time. Michael [small dick] Vick was only charged with illegal gambling. Even though, with his own two grimy hands, he took the life of hundreds of dogs. Beating, drowning, shooting them. And then he got his job back in the NFL!!! WTF… how is that possible. Guess being rich gets charges reduced eh!!

When I saw Nathan had passed my tears would not stop flowing. PLEASE, I beg you, get involved!

“The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.” -Mahatma Gandhi

How great is your Nation???


OMG, he’s cuttin’ my neck open…

That was my reaction when my port was put in a few months back.

Let me backtrack a bit. In February I had a port put in my chest. With the monthly  2 hour Tysabri infusions it was the best option. Me ole veins are gone and sticking me each time was getting painful and harder to do. So cool, a port, a lil contraption with a tube under my skin in my chest going in to a vein. Easy peasy, right?

First problem when we get there is no ‘twilight’ sleep or meds, as, well, no veins for an I.V. Hence the need for the port. But it’s all good! The area will be numbed up and I’ll get a shot of Ativan [not that it would work on me]. I finally get wheeled in and the doctor comes in. He looks at the area for the port, then lifts the cover from my face. He says from his charts he assumed I’d be older but when he saw my skin and how ‘young’ it looked he had to see me. ummm hmmm smooth talker! lol Meanwhile Ativan not kickin’ in… they proceed to give me some injections in my chest to numb it up! OUCH! But then he injects my nck!! Um, WTF why are you injecting my neck. **shivers. Meanwhile Ativan not kickin’ in… He starts the incision into my chest, no real pain just pressure. Then I feel my neck getting cut. Okay, I speak up. “Why are you cutting my neck?” He asks me if I understood the procedure. I told him that I was told it was a a lil contraption with a tube under my skin in my chest going in to a vein. He explains it in a bit more detail. He tells me how the lil contraption [the port] goes under the skin in my chest, then a tube is brought up through my neck, around and down towards the heart into a vein. Okay then!! I guess it’s too late to turn back now! ;-)  Meanwhile Ativan not kickin’ in…

All in all, it wasn’t too bad. I hung out in recovery for a bit and then we headed home. On the ride home… the Ativan finally kicked in!! Go figure. lol

on the way home

BAD reaction to the tape and bandages. owie

today

I figure, dudes dig chicks with scars right! :-P I tensed my neck a bit so you can see the tube going up through my neck! Cool right. When I do this it freaks out my kids!! lol

Peace out all!


It figures!!

Obviously I’ve had a crappy time lately. DOH! :-P So this morning i pulled my ‘big girl’ panties on… really I did. Wouldn’t you know it I get the headache from Hell and my back is killing me. [had a little fall] Seriously!! Makes me wonder what the fuck I did in a previous life! rofl

It's really not...

And now, to top it off, INSOMNIA yet again. So off to take some meds [yeehaw] and hopefully sleep will come… eventually!!

Peace out!


R.I.P. Sweet Sadie!

Over twelve years ago we brought Sadie into our home. I was in a Petco looking for kitty litter and there she was. She was being adopted out. They said she was around two and had been found dumped way out in the desert. She was a skinny, goofy looking lil girl. She reminded me of a newborn foal with long skinny legs and huge paws. She had Shepard, Chow and Chesapeake Retriever in her. [heinz 57 I say] She fit in our family like a glove. Over night she grew up into an 80 pound big girl. She was our protector and our friend.

Sadie loved being outside and would sit in the middle of the lawn in the pouring rain or the 100 degree heat. She was the pack leader.

What I will remember most about her, is that she was gentle and a big love bug. She was and will always be close to my heart. She will be coming home again to sit next to Beau and Emmy on my mantle.

She is now free and no longer in pain. She can run again and I’m sure she is already chasing Beau. I know he met her at the bridge. She is forever young again.

We love you Sadie and miss you so very much. You will be forever in our hearts…

RIP sweet girl!

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Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. Their bright eyes are intent; Their eager body quivers. Suddenly he/she begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, their legs carrying him/her faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together….

Author unknown…


I don’t wanna die, I just don’t wanna be sick anymore!

As I started my new treatment this issue came in to play. On August 23, 2011 I had my first infusion of Tysabri.

My very own Tysabri bag

My very own arm!

One major side effect is Progressive multifocal leukoencephalopathy (PML), which may cause death. This medication suppresses my over active immune system due to my progressive MS, which can lead to this viral infection. I will be monitored for medicinal hepatitis [liver damage] and UTI’s. Now that my system will be suppressed I am more prone to getting other issues.

When getting ready for my appointment we [hubby and I] discussed the possibility of PML. When Roger looked at me and said that this way I can get my wish, to die, I sat open mouthed. I have stated, when in depression, that death is freedom and sometimes I do not want to wake up in the morning, I guess he took it literally. With tears welling up in my eyes I explained that I do NOT WANT to die, I just want the pain to go away. I want to walk again, to be able to hold my bladder, to be able to go out in to the sun, to be able to drive, to not have mental and physical pain… I want to play with my kids!! I will be honest… there are days I do not want to be here anymore. Unless you suffer from a serious chronic illness it is hard to grasp. But, in all actuality, I do not want to die. I just want my life back, a quality of life back.

I’m not even asking for much from this medication. I just want to be able to drive again and hold that bitch of a bladder! :-P I’m not expecting much, as when I do my hopes are always dashed, so I am just waiting. It’s all I can do. I’ll keep fighting until my strength is gone. I need to be here to annoy my kids for a long time to come. It’s what I live for! lol

I will now go once a month for the two hour infusion. They [who the hell are they] say it can take 6 months to a year to see a difference. I’ve waited this long, so what’s another year or so. My problem is when I want something, I want it now. MS has certainly taught me patience… for the most part! [I try, really I do]

A new adventure is happening, and as always, I will go in head first! Wish me luck!

Love and Light!


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