As I started my new treatment this issue came in to play. On August 23, 2011 I had my first infusion of Tysabri.
One major side effect is Progressive multifocal leukoencephalopathy (PML), which may cause death. This medication suppresses my over active immune system due to my progressive MS, which can lead to this viral infection. I will be monitored for medicinal hepatitis [liver damage] and UTI’s. Now that my system will be suppressed I am more prone to getting other issues.
When getting ready for my appointment we [hubby and I] discussed the possibility of PML. When Roger looked at me and said that this way I can get my wish, to die, I sat open mouthed. I have stated, when in depression, that death is freedom and sometimes I do not want to wake up in the morning, I guess he took it literally. With tears welling up in my eyes I explained that I do NOT WANT to die, I just want the pain to go away. I want to walk again, to be able to hold my bladder, to be able to go out in to the sun, to be able to drive, to not have mental and physical pain… I want to play with my kids!! I will be honest… there are days I do not want to be here anymore. Unless you suffer from a serious chronic illness it is hard to grasp. But, in all actuality, I do not want to die. I just want my life back, a quality of life back.
I’m not even asking for much from this medication. I just want to be able to drive again and hold that bitch of a bladder! I’m not expecting much, as when I do my hopes are always dashed, so I am just waiting. It’s all I can do. I’ll keep fighting until my strength is gone. I need to be here to annoy my kids for a long time to come. It’s what I live for! lol
I will now go once a month for the two hour infusion. They [who the hell are they] say it can take 6 months to a year to see a difference. I’ve waited this long, so what’s another year or so. My problem is when I want something, I want it now. MS has certainly taught me patience… for the most part! [I try, really I do]
A new adventure is happening, and as always, I will go in head first! Wish me luck!
Love and Light!