I know, great title for my blog. Haven’t blogged in a bit and here it is, in your face…fuuuuuuuuuck!!

You may ask yourself, ‘Why?’ I’ll tell you why. It’s now after 11pm and I wanted to go to sleep. You know, lie down, get comfy, sleep. NOT! After 4 minutes of trying to lie down I gave up. I cannot seem to get my legs up on the bed. I get one up the other slides off. I pull on my jammie pants leg and my hand cannot hold on or lift my leg. Now I could scream for someone to help me, but they are all asleep and have to get up early for work and school. Hubby is on the pullout sofa as he snores so bad he wakes me up all night. So, I’m sitting here with tears rolling gently down my face as sleep is not coming yet. Even if I get my legs into the bed it take me forever to get into a position comfortable for sleep. Once I lie down I have to pull each leg up in a bent position or my lower back hurts. As it is, if I do not sit in the right spot before I try all of this, I may end up too high or too low on the bed. I am not able to ‘scooch’ into a comfy position. I get one shot. I guess I’m lucky, as once I do finally get comfortable I’m ready for sleep, as doing this easy task takes all of my spoons. Just getting into bed is a fucking chore and it pisses me off. It’s not fucking fair!!!!!! And don’t tell me it could be worse!! It’s going to get worse so shut your mouth. And don’t tell me it could be worse, it could be cancer… this IS my Cancer!!! It has and will continue to take my life from me. Just in a slower mode.

February 8th, marks the 2007 death of my MS partner in crime, Tina Richardson. Her progressive MS killed her. She got caught between a heavy power chair and bathtub and slowly suffocated to death, alone and I’m sure frightened. She could not move and could not scream. So, do not tell me no one dies from MS. They do every fucking day. If she had not had MS she would not have been in that position. I know others that have passed away due to pneumonia from being immobile and the MS basically killed their lungs. Tina was only 40 years old and my friend and I miss her every day. So fuck you and your,’it could be worse!’

As of this moment, it’s only going to get worse for me and I’m petrified. I am in a wheelchair 24/7. I am tired, fatigued 24/7. I run on fumes every day and try to be funny and crack jokes. I hide behind a smile and most days I wish it would all just end. I have pain 24/7, incontinent at 46 years young. Migraines, weight gain, unable to do the simplest tasks. The next time you feel the need to bitch about running errands, doing the dishes… be glad you can run errands and have the strength to do the dishes. I would trade you in a hot second to be able to do all those annoying tiresome chores. The next time you take a shower, thank your God you can. Even taking a shower is a chore for me and after I usually need to sleep as there goes some more spoons.

I try to keep the pain to myself, me feelings, my MS. This is my blog, and you can read or not. Tonight, all the lil things going on in my life, and then the tip of the iceberg,  not being able to just get into bed, hit me all at once and hard. Seven months, still no bathroom finished, haven’t even seen them in over 2 months. Promises to here then no show, no call. Losing more leg movement and the list goes on… depression has hit and it has hit me hard. Will I make it through this one… Hell yes! I always do. I’ll find my inner strength and pull my boot straps back up and move on. But, now and then I need to let go, and let the idiots know to watch what they say. God help them if they ever had to deal with a real illness… my comment to them will be, “Hey asshole, it could be worse, you could have MS!!!”

 

xx, Tracy...

 

 

Comments
  1. Annie Smith says:

    (((((((((((((((((((((((((TRACY))))))))))))))))))))
    I honestly don’t know what to say, but I’m here and I’m reading your blog hun!!!
    Sending lots of love and hugs for you!!!
    Luvs ya
    xxxxxxx

  2. Vikki says:

    You said it!!!!! Nothing left to say…… I would willingly share my spoons with you…… <3

  3. Nicki says:

    I hope you got some sleep…sooner than later! I’m not even going to pretend that I know what you are going through, but I know from your words how shitty this is!!! And to think that yesterday I complained about all the dishes needing washed, and laundry piling up. You just smacked me with a reality check! I love ya and always think about you MzT…you can always call or send me a message. Sending you the biggest hugs possible <3

  4. Mary says:

    I am so glad you have this blog and if there are people out there who take little things for granted and bitch about it, screw them! They should walk a mile in the shoes of another person. I, too, feel your pain and honestly, there is no one here for me..do you ever feel that husbands and kids are fantastic, but they can’t take the place of a woman friend..you are my friend, Tracy and I am always here.

    xoxoxo

  5. Kathy says:

    You’re right; the situation is fucked up. I’m sorry. I’ve always admired your spunk and sass…and you my friend, have hit the wall. I wish I could take that away from you, even for just a little while…

    Alright that bathroom situation needs to get fixed. The promises are bullshit. Couple of ideas: 1. Do you have a way of finding out how much it would cost to get the job finished? I bet we (anyone else game for this?) can fundraise our way to your new bathroom. There are resources out there…it’s a matter of networking until you find them.

    Or 2. Who is doing the work? Can we kill ‘em with kindness and thank them so much for their help and, oh say find a way to make it public? Kind of push them to get it done? I forget if this is a friend or a friend’s company that’s doing the work but there has got to be a way to get the damned thing finished!!

    • Tracy says:

      Well we contacted the original guy and he is not happy, so hopefully something will get done.

      I’m am hitting the wall and I so do not mot lie kit as it is not me!!
      TY for always being here for me!!
      xoxo

  6. R. G. Maines says:

    ((Hugs)) you Tracy!!
    I’ve been scared lately too. I have so much going on in my life right now and I just don’t feel I have the strength to deal with all of it.
    I’m alone part of the day, four days a week now, and having to take Kodi outside alone. We’ve had snow and ice storms every couple of days for the past few weeks. I’m terrified that I’ll try to walk down the ramp and fall in the snow, lay there and freeze to death.
    I know it sounds stupid, but it’s my fear. My joints are so sore, not working very well, giving out… UGH!
    I know a little bit about how you are feeling, I won’t insult you by saying I know exactly, because I don’t… but please know you’re not alone in your struggle, if that helps at all.

    Love & Hugs Always oxoxox

  7. Frannie says:

    <3<3 (((Hugz)))

  8. Dodie says:

    First off MzT…let me say that “I Love You”!
    I can’t say that I know how you feel because my M.D. mis-treats me in different ways than your M.S. mis-treats you.
    I too can’t understand why people take for granted things that we can only wish we could do. I’d love to do those dishes or even clean up poop after an animal. And yes, that hot shower would be so nice!
    M.S., M.D., Scoliosis, and Ovarian Cancer needs a kick in the ass!!!

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