Month: January 2010

Fear · Ramblings

I’ll be dreaming…

Tracy8 Comments

So, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night,  and have some seriously weird things going on inside my head. So, lately I have been jotting them down. [there is no real order as these are quick thoughts]

#1 “The room was suffocating, people everywhere, must get out, where is the door, the red door. She darts to the door, she flees through the red door. She turns to a blank wall, the door is gone, she is pulled into the darkness.”

© 12/24/2009

Red Door

#2 “She runs through the woods, something is following her. Is something following her? She cannot stop running, running to nowhere. Is she running? She falls and everything turns to fog. Her eyes open, she sees familiar faces, she’s home.”

© 12/27/2009

#3 Smiling faces, tearful eyes, angry frowns, a wheelchair sits in the distance, she reaches for it, she cannot grasp it, she tries to stand and the floor comes up to meet her. Laughing, whispering, soft childlike giggles, all eyes on her. She cannot move, she bows her head in tears.”

© 01/05/2010

——————————–

Yes, I see the resemblance to me in each of these bits! Maybe I’ll write a horror story or something. 😛

Blessings and Hope…

Health · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Ramblings · Sarcasm

Talking Positive…

Tracy21 Comments

Now, while I know a positive attitude is ‘healthy’ that does not mean I have to be positive all the time. My friend Vicki pointed me to fabulous blog;
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/jan/02/cancer-positive-thinking-barbara-ehrenreich

Lines like ‘enough of all this positive shit – let us just adjust and rage and kick ass if we want’, had me peeing myself…literally!

I am so happy for people that can be honestly positive and happy. I think it’s awesome. I was there once. But, sometimes in life, shit happens and sometimes it’s not positive. I’m positive I have primary progressive MS. I’m positive it helped to cause my degenerative disc dis-order, fatigue, incontinence, tremors, spiders [feeling like something is crawling all over me], migraines, depression, eye problems, constant  numbness, oh and the little issue of no longer being able to walk. So I’m positively pissed off and angry. Is that really so very terrible?

Just because I am not always positive does not mean I’m not happy. Does not mean good things don’t happen to me. I am happy, most days, and good things do happen to me.

But when well meaning [idiots] tell me maybe if I was more positive I could heal my body. Really??

HA!

Don’t get me wrong, most people do mean well. But some are just psycho, new age, get stung by bees, snake oil sales people. And those people can be ‘deadly’ to someone with a true illness. People told my friend Vicki to drink her own urine for her cancer! WTF is that about. My sister had stage 3 breast cancer, if she had listened to these morons, she would not be here right now. We all know and hear that many hardcore medications are poison, but it saved my sister. She is in her 6th year of remission. Drinking urine would have killed her. She is an R.N. and knew what she had to do to survive, like Vicki. I’m very glad they did, and they are still here!

Others told my friend Carol maybe her cancer came because her faith was not right/good. WOW!! I was told the same things. Or like the moronic book, The Secret, I intended it. Really??! And people believe this shite? I’m thinking they must not be the brightest stars in the sky! I’m POSITIVE they have mental illness! There, some positivity for you! 😛

I’ll get off my positive soap box, for now.

Blessings and Hope!

Music · Ramblings

Do You?

Tracy10 Comments

As I was trying to sleep this just kept going through my head. Figured I’d write it out.

Do You

Do you hear me cry…
Will you turn away…
Pretending you don’t hear me.

Do you see my pain
Will you turn away…
Pretending you don’t see me.

———————-

All I ask of you, if you chose to walk away
Is please don’t let me know…
Baby please….. just go.

———————-

Do you feel my fear
Will you turn away…
Pretending you don’t feel me

Do you know my heart
Will you turn away…
Pretending you don’t know me.

———————-

All I ask of you, if you chose to walk away
Is please don’t let me know…
Baby please….. just go.

Just walk out the door
Please don’t look my way
My heart can’t bear the pain
My heart can’t bear the pain…

Do you, miss me now…..

———————-

Tracy Radford
01/03/09

Blessings and Hope

Health · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN

Living with MS – Newly Diagnosed

Tracy8 Comments

SMACK!!! That’s what it felt like for me when I was told I had MS. Fear, anger, depression, confusion, why, why, why, and a whole bunch more expletive feelings which I will not mention! 😛

I see so many around the net with their well meaning advice to MS newbies. The problem is they are putting their MS on everyone else. Meaning, what happened to them will surely happen to you. And, yes, similar things may happen, but never the exact same.

I watched a video one day and the woman said that MS IS a progressive disease and at some point all will progress! Sorry, BULLSHIT! There are people who have MS and never ‘relapse’ or progress. They can stay in remission and never have another attack. This is the type of information that can send a newbie into a very quick state of depression.

We are all different in our MS as we are in our lives. No two people will have the same exact journey with their MS. It may be similar at times, but never the same.

My advice to newbies, listen to no one, not even me! lol Do your research, talk to your doctor, look into the medications to see if they are right for you. Research, research, research.

What I will say straight out, eat right [no more sugar free, no processed foods, etc], light exercise, yoga for MS, contact your local MS Society, find an MS counselor. My counselor, Margo, has helped me through many a hard time in the past 11 years. Find out about the medications, study up on them.

For me, and only me, I no longer do any injections. There was no proof they helped progressive forms. For me, and only me, the side effects were not worth it. I do however take medications for pain [yes MS can cause pain] and depression/anxiety. I did injections for 7.5-8 years. Since being off of them for 4 years now, I do feel better. BUT, that is my journey and it may not be yours!

You may never end up in a wheel-chariot, you may never need walking devices. So, do not let others scare you. Get your information on your own and never let anyone tell you what you need to do for your MS journey.

I wish you…

Blessings and Hope…

My mini disclaimer: These blogs are from my perspective of my life with Chronic Progressive Multiple Sclerosis. I am not a doctor and will never tell anyone what they should do for their MS. We are all different in our MS journeys as we are in our lives.

Ramblings

Snore-EX

Tracy16 Comments

So, I purchased the Snore-EX from Amazon hoping that it would stop my hubby doing the buzz-saw at night. And oh mercy it has!! Now I’m not saying it will work for your ‘snorer’, but for mine it did. No longer will he have to sleep in sofa city, or with one eye open. [in case the skillet ends up in my hand]

My Savior

The first night it fell out, and he snored. He woke up, got it back in and no more snoring. He molded it to fit him, and wallah, SUCCESS!! He had slight jaw pain last night, but nothing bad he said. He also said he felt more refreshed in the morning from not snoring. So, for us both, it is a win-win situation.

For the price, it was a gr8 deal!

I’m doing the happy dance here!

woo hoo

Blessings and Hope!