Month: November 2009

Health · PAIN · Ramblings · Sarcasm

Lost…

Tracy3 Comments

I cannot seem to find myself anymore. I feel so lost lately. People think I am all together most days, and most days I try to be. It gets so hard keeping that mask on but most do not want the ‘real’ me. I am sooooo friggen angry and pissed off at this fucking disease. I’m primary progressive and the realization of it just hit me. I am going to get worse. So please do not tell me anymore it could be worse!! It is! I hate feeling like this. I’m not a quitter, not a poor me pour me drink kind of girl. But lately I cannot pull those damn bootstraps back up!

I cannot seem to ‘wake’ up. I am so tired all the time. I get up, get the kids off to school and then lie back down. I want to get up, make jewelry, anything, but I have no energy for it. Just getting in my chair, bringing my computer and my things out to my table is so tiring for me. Man, call me a whaaambulance please! I get so mad when I feel this way. I hate when others whine and hate even more when I do. And here I am doing what I hate. I guess it’s better to write it out here than whine to my family. They have to deal with enough already.

I see all these ‘self help’ articles, books, BS!! They make me crazy. They all say the same damn thing. Be good to yourself, love others, love yourself, blah blah blah… No shit, common sense maybe. Look at your life, change the things that are wrong and work on yourself and your relationships. Find the root of the problem and deal with it head on. What were your dreams? Find them, go do them. WTF!! Not everyone CAN do what they intended. Sometimes life throws youobstacles. That’s when you need to change the dreams you once had. I had dreams, hopes. Now all those dreams and hopes had to change. I look all around for something else to fill those voids. But, being unable to move much hinders those as well. I WANT to work. I hate not being able to. Trying to find a legitimate work-at-home job is almost comical. If I had money up front to pay these jokers, I would not need their stoopid job. Maybe I should write a ‘self help’ book. All it takes is a bunch of BS and a cool cover to sell.

So how does one ‘deal’ and or ‘get over it’? I have heard those lame ass comments more than i can say. “Well you just have to deal with it.” or “You need to learn to get over it”. REALLY!? You get MS or any other chronic condition and you deal with it or get over it. Or, better yet, SHUT UP and do not speak! Easy peasy. Actually I do deal with it, hence my different mask for different occasions. Getting over it is a different story as daily I am reminded by the fact I cannot walk and am so fatigued I cannot get out to my front room in my own home. I am reminded daily when I try to sit up and the pain hits me like a locomotive.

I sit here in a fog, getting hard to even know what to write anymore. I lose my train of thought in a split second. I get a thought but then cannot seem to get it out on ‘paper’ in the same way I am thinking it. My cognitive issues seem to be getting worse, and that is the hardest part for me right now. I am a smart woman and the thought of losing my cognitive abilities scares the shite out of me, even more than incontinence at 45.

So, I just read over this and am shaking my head. Do I publish or do I delete? Do I edit or do i leave as is? Well, I publish and leave as is. These are my feelings right now and this is a way for me to vent them out. So, you ask, how I’m feeling. I’ll tell you, I am not feeling anything…

Blessings and hope!

Family · Ramblings

How…

Tracy12 Comments

More over, why do people feel the need to ruin other peoples friendships? Someone who was gone for a while then pops back in and trouble seems to start. During the time they were gone, there was no drama. Now all of a sudden DRAMA is back.

I tend to know why, because they want certain people as their friends and no one else’s. Well, sadly it worked. They manipulated someone close to me enough so that somehow they got the person to believe their BS. They look for those who are in a confused place and strike. I actually feel bad for them as well, must be a sad place they are in and a sad way to live.

What sucks, is the person who now has blocked me from her life was someone I adored. Someone I felt was a part of my family. I think it hurts the most because she did not call me and talk to me, just deleted me out of her life after almost 11 years of friendship for someone who just popped back in. I have had friends come and go. But, this one hurts.

She knows who she is, and she knows I will always be here for her. I truly hope she reads this, I truly hope she looks inside herself and realizes the truth. You can call me anytime, I am here.

I am sorry I allowed the toxic one back in my life. I really thought she might have grown up. I was wrong.

As with all…

Blessings and Hope!

PAIN · Ramblings

You want real…

Tracy14 Comments

I’m pissy, bitchy, and full of negative energy today. Everything and everyone is irritating me in some way. Some, it is all them. Some , it is all me. I have no patience at all today for ignorance or even the tiniest bit of ‘stupidity’! I have so much to do it seems, but can never find the time or the energy to get it all done. I was always a ‘if it can be done then do it now’ kind of girl. So, now not being able to just do it anymore highly irritates me. I look at those around me and wonder why they cannot just get up and get it done. If I was well, I would. So, why the hell don’t they??

I look at my house and cry. It is not my house!! My house would be clean, all the time. Dusted, vacuumed etc. Now, it is not that way. It’s tidy, but not spit spot clean like I always did it. My yard is awful, grass dead and not many flowers or nice landscape. If I was well it would be amazing like it was at my old house before I got sick. My kids do more than most kids and my hubby is always doing something. But, I still get so angry that they cannot just do the things that need to get done. The things that look like crap around my home. I know that it is my issue, my problem if you will. I am pissed off and mad at myself for not being able to do the things myself. Sadly, I project it on to those around me. I know it is wrong to do so, but it hurts too damn much to know it is my fault it is not getting done. The fucking disease that has taken me from me and from my family and is continuing to take. The greedy MonSter that wants my soul.

Every day it steals more of my life from me. DON’T tell me it could be worse!! It is going to get worse. It’s progressive and I am sick to death of people saying such an asinine thing to someone with a chronic [any] chronic disease. Until you walk, err roll a mile in my chair then please just shut up!!! This is ‘my’ worse. When you make such a hurtful statement like that to someone you downplay their pain. If you have a cold, allergies etc then yes, quit whining as it could be worse and your problem is going to go away. Chronic illness’ do not go away. And most times they progress for the person. So, until you have a clue of what you speak…do not speak!!

This has been eating me up for so many years. I had someone tell me once that it was all in my head. [a relative, not on my side] For once, she was right, well sort of. It is actually on the nerves on my brain and spine, but some are in my ‘head’. If I was the type to put my family on egg shells, I probably would have punched her in the mouth. But, you can’t help ignorance I guess. So I just kind of laughed and looked away. It took all my energy not to scream!

Every day I feel bad. Every day I have fatigue. Every day I have anxiety. Every day I get weaker. Every day I cannot walk. Every day I have pain. Every day I cry. Then…I get up, I put on my mask for those around me, I smile through my pain, I laugh at my shakes, I make jokes about my incontinence, I lend an ear to anyone who needs, I am strong for my kids, I tell my husband I’m ok. Then when the night-time comes, I sit in the silence, the only light from my bff, my Mac. I cry in silence for what has been lost, I cry in silence for the wife and mommy that has slowly been taken from my family, I cry for what is yet to come…I cry.

Blessings and Hope

 

Craziness · Ramblings

Blank

Tracy5 Comments

We see at all the networking sites ‘What’s your status’ etc. Have you ever felt like putting ‘blank’?

I have had all kinds of things going on in my mind and all ready to blog them, then BAM nothing. I log in here get ready to blog and wooosh the thought go flying out like a birdie from it’s nest. Just flutters away.

Last night I could not sleep. So many things rattling around in my head. I felt like a bingo ball roller. I had all kinds of ideas to blog about today. Then sleep came and thoughts all gone. Usually, I will get up and write down the ideas on paper and then decipher them in the morning. But, last night it was so late and I was afraid I would wake someone up. I can remember bits and pieces of my thoughts, but they come out like a horror movie all over the place. My dreams can be very creepy due to some of the medications I have to take. I try to remember them so I can write them down, but somehow they are gone.

So, I wonder, if above all of our heads when we sleep is a ‘thought’ taker. A lil cloud that consumes your thoughts and dreams and teases you like a an older sibling. Putting it close to you, then snatching it away with an evil grin taunting you. You keep reaching for it an it gets pulled further and further from you. You strain to grasp it, but it always just out of reach.

So, one day, I purchased a voice recorder to ‘save’ my thoughts when I get them, but then realized, “Like that’s not gonna wake up the house?” For the daytime it’s great, but most of my thoughts and ideas come to me at night when the house is still and dark. The only lights are from my Mac screen and lit keyboard. It is then I can close my eyes and really hear myself. The occasional car passes outside with a hum of the tires on the road. Every now and then one of my furbabies makes a lil groan. Letting momma know they are there. Peaceful at last…

Maybe, in not having a thought and feeling blank, I found a thought and am no longer blank. Satisfaction!

Blessings and hope!